JonSmisu said:
Hey, it was cute! I liked it, even if it felt a tad stiff in places. But if it was hastily written, that makes sense.
I hear you about it being stiff. That was apparent to me as I was writing it. I attribute it to a combination of not having written anything in a while and being inexperienced in writing first person stories. I think I started to find a good comfort zone towards the end, but then I ruined it by kind of rushing to the ending. The story actually turned out longer than I originally intended, and I wound up cutting 2 suggestions from it that I had planned to use. If I ever do more with these characters, those suggestions may pop up. But I'm unsure if I want to do more with this scenario yet. I still have a sleepover story I should probably return to at some time. And other ideas that I'll probably never start on due to knowing how much work they'd be to finish.
bullet said:
I prefer Joel! He seems more random and unpredictable to me. And that accent...
I am literally discovering new genius thanks to him. Bonzi, Expand Dong, JOOOOOOOOOOOOJO, Duane, DA TRASHMAN, GRAND DAD, and so much rad shit.
Pinkanator said:
I am literally discovering new genius thanks to him. Bonzi, Expand Dong, JOOOOOOOOOOOOJO, Duane, DA TRASHMAN, GRAND DAD, and so much rad shit.
I just love everything he does. I don't know how he does it, but he just makes shit funnier by saying it!
I have one friend who impersonates him really well, and he always does it when he sees me feeling down because he knows he can get me rolling and laughing my ass off.
I didn't mean to turn this into a Vinesauce discussion thread with my reference. Can we please keep this on the topic of stories now?
Mindwipe said:
I hear you about it being stiff. That was apparent to me as I was writing it. I attribute it to a combination of not having written anything in a while and being inexperienced in writing first person stories. I think I started to find a good comfort zone towards the end, but then I ruined it by kind of rushing to the ending. The story actually turned out longer than I originally intended, and I wound up cutting 2 suggestions from it that I had planned to use. If I ever do more with these characters, those suggestions may pop up. But I'm unsure if I want to do more with this scenario yet. I still have a sleepover story I should probably return to at some time. And other ideas that I'll probably never start on due to knowing how much work they'd be to finish.
I've messed with first and third person, and I think it can be an issue on both. The stiffness, anyway. Best advice I can come up with right now would be to read other stories with the kind of language you want, as I've found that helps as bit.

And again, I'd be glad to see more from you. :)
I'm resurrecting this with something I just posted to my FA. It's about furries - a girly dog boy and his cat girlfriend go into a theater that hypnotizes people and lets them mess around with each other.

FA link
PDF download here if you aren't logged into FA
As I might have mentioned before I'm writing a story that I intend to sell on amazon kindle.

It's hypnosis themed so it should be right up the alley of people here. Still I would like feed back from a small group of people. If you are interested in being in that group please PM me and I'll send you a link to a download of what I've written thus far. I'll let you know in this thread when I have enough people.
Wrote this for DrgnmastrAlex and figured I'd share it with everyone else. Hope you like it, I got help from JksAccount for editing.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9584315
Imasuky said:
I got help from JksAccount for editing.
*Waves*
akaece said:
I'm resurrecting this with something I just posted to my FA. It's about furries - a girly dog boy and his cat girlfriend go into a theater that hypnotizes people and lets them mess around with each other.

FA link
PDF download here if you aren't logged into FA
don't know if anyone told you, but the pdf link doesn't work D:
Imasuky said:
Wrote this for DrgnmastrAlex and figured I'd share it with everyone else. Hope you like it, I got help from JksAccount for editing.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9584315
You can put OC stuff on AOOO too?

Damn, i'm missing the boat on that site. Should've moved most of my fanfiction.net and MCstories stuff there a while ago.

Edit: have to remind myself to read this later. Looks cool.
Ogodei-Khan said:
You can put OC stuff on AOOO too?

Damn, i'm missing the boat on that site. Should've moved most of my fanfiction.net and MCstories stuff there a while ago.

Edit: have to remind myself to read this later. Looks cool.
Yeah you can put original works up there. If you need an invite for the site I can give you one, though signing up for the automated thing is surprisingly fast.
Imasuky said:
Yeah you can put original works up there. If you need an invite for the site I can give you one, though signing up for the automated thing is surprisingly fast.
I'm going to have to remember to take you up on that. Presently i'm trying to get something for DaisyHypnoCharm finished, then i'll be able to work on migrating the more worthwhile stuff of my archives over to AOOO.

Read the story, was a good thing for the most part. Some of the paragraphs stood out negatively to me. First "Looking at the choker she thought about the woman. About Ava. How beautiful she was, how sexy she was. Bianca realized that her hands were on her breasts, and a small smile crept across her face. Since she was already naked and more than a little turned on why not go for it?"

The first three sentences here go too far into redundancy. I get what you're going for, repetition is a strong thing in erotic writing (especially for mind control), as it lets the writer beat the message into the reader's mind like something as powerfully inexorable as a strong induction itself. However, it's easy to slip from powerful repetition into mere redundancy.

If i had to fix that passage, for instance, i'd cut everything between the first sentence and "Bianca realized." Because the other side to this is that you don't want what's going on at this point in the story to be too nakedly obvious. The sequence of sliding unknowingly into trance is really cool, but breeding uncertainty is a good part there.

Sequence at the restaurant seems a bit rushed too.

Hope this doesn't come across as too harsh. It's a good stuff.
Ogodei-Khan said:
I'm going to have to remember to take you up on that. Presently i'm trying to get something for DaisyHypnoCharm finished, then i'll be able to work on migrating the more worthwhile stuff of my archives over to AOOO.

Read the story, was a good thing for the most part. Some of the paragraphs stood out negatively to me. First "Looking at the choker she thought about the woman. About Ava. How beautiful she was, how sexy she was. Bianca realized that her hands were on her breasts, and a small smile crept across her face. Since she was already naked and more than a little turned on why not go for it?"

The first three sentences here go too far into redundancy. I get what you're going for, repetition is a strong thing in erotic writing (especially for mind control), as it lets the writer beat the message into the reader's mind like something as powerfully inexorable as a strong induction itself. However, it's easy to slip from powerful repetition into mere redundancy.

If i had to fix that passage, for instance, i'd cut everything between the first sentence and "Bianca realized." Because the other side to this is that you don't want what's going on at this point in the story to be too nakedly obvious. The sequence of sliding unknowingly into trance is really cool, but breeding uncertainty is a good part there.

Sequence at the restaurant seems a bit rushed too.

Hope this doesn't come across as too harsh. It's a good stuff.
Nah it's fine, my usual editor told me as well.
bullet said:
don't know if anyone told you, but the pdf link doesn't work D:
Aw, they may have patched direct downloads out, finally. Just sign in to view. Also, a bit of a follow-up to that story was posted just the other day! Tags: brain drain, exhibitionism, anal, straight, furry!
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/22499760/
Oh hey, a story thread, huh? >o>

https://www.sofurry.com/view/1088658

A Need to Breed

Contains M/F, femdom, monster girls, tentacles, and, of course, breeding/implied pregnancy.

SoFurry should let you read without logging in, too.
Yoooo I'm a writer as well! Turns out, a lot of my fics have Mind-Control in addition to Transformation so I'll just share the more prominent examples:

HAUSFRAU: https://www.sofurry.com/view/1128074

This one containsstepfordization and hgender transformation, cat guy becomes a cat housewife and learns how great it is to be domesticated.

https://www.sofurry.com/view/1034559

An earlier story in the same vein, catgirl housewives <3

Foxy maid: https://www.sofurry.com/view/1112546

Guy to Fox girl, stockings and mindplay

Vacation: https://www.sofurry.com/view/1139537

This is one is long and much darker than the others. Cotains transformation, sexist bondage bunny people, and latex

The socks: https://www.sofurry.com/view/915998

Transformation and genderswapping, very involved hypnosis.

https://www.sofurry.com/view/1000967

Xenophilia: Latex, aliens, and mind control! Also, sexy slavery
Was up late last night, so I wrote something sexy. Feet and hypnosis between a lizard gal and a wolf dude. Pretty short; just a bit over 2000 words. Enjoy! http://www.furaffinity.net/view/22816083/

Direct PDF link here, in case you're not logged in. spoiler
So, Sleepymaid's new maybe/maybe not Squid Ops comics got me thinking back to my Sleepover story. I decided to go back and skim over it a bit the other night. And surprisingly, I actually still liked it. Usually I hate my work when I go back and look at it again.

Here's why I bring this up. I'm sort of giving thought to starting over on that story. Not because I feel what I wrote isn't good, but just that I feel I can make it even better with a bit more planning and revision. The story would stay pretty much the same--same characters, same scenario, probably even a lot of the same wording--but it would be more refined with more structure and maybe, even, an expanded world that continued in later stories.

There's one other thing. If I did this, I'm thinking I'd run some sort of donation option with it. I don't think there's anyway I could do a Patreon around this, as I don't think I could promise when I'd put out new parts. I also have no intention of locking any of it behind a paywall. It would just be an option, if you were so inclined, to leave me a bit of cash if you enjoyed the story. I might even come up with some incentives to donate, though I dunno what they'd be at the moment. I'm sure a lot of you know about my social anxiety and agoraphobia that limits my ability to look for work. It would be a tremendous help if I could earn at least some money this way.

So I guess that's all I have to say. Would anyone be excited to see The Sleepover come back? Would anyone be willing to donate to it? Does anyone know any good ways to set up donations for something like this?
Mindwipe said:
So, Sleepymaid's new maybe/maybe not Squid Ops comics got me thinking back to my Sleepover story. I decided to go back and skim over it a bit the other night. And surprisingly, I actually still liked it. Usually I hate my work when I go back and look at it again.

Here's why I bring this up. I'm sort of giving thought to starting over on that story. Not because I feel what I wrote isn't good, but just that I feel I can make it even better with a bit more planning and revision. The story would stay pretty much the same--same characters, same scenario, probably even a lot of the same wording--but it would be more refined with more structure and maybe, even, an expanded world that continued in later stories.

There's one other thing. If I did this, I'm thinking I'd run some sort of donation option with it. I don't think there's anyway I could do a Patreon around this, as I don't think I could promise when I'd put out new parts. I also have no intention of locking any of it behind a paywall. It would just be an option, if you were so inclined, to leave me a bit of cash if you enjoyed the story. I might even come up with some incentives to donate, though I dunno what they'd be at the moment. I'm sure a lot of you know about my social anxiety and agoraphobia that limits my ability to look for work. It would be a tremendous help if I could earn at least some money this way.

So I guess that's all I have to say. Would anyone be excited to see The Sleepover come back? Would anyone be willing to donate to it? Does anyone know any good ways to set up donations for something like this?
I would totally love for it to come back, I still reread it from time to time! :)
Seems like a good idea Mind! You could use Itch.io like I did with Virtual Hypno-Tan. Worked well for me
Mindwipe said:
*snip*
Sadly, I can't offer much in the way of donations. <.< But if you were to start this story over I and many others would be glad to read it. :) It's just a matter of trying, even when you get stuck.
I finished my big dumb thing with a Gardevoir and a human boy! 15000 words/30 pages in total of some really gay hypnosis stuff. It's broken up into chapters for your easy reading pleasure. Enjoy!

FA post: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/23040582/
Direct link: http://d.facdn.net/art/akaece/stories/1490749814/1490749814.akaece_pokethingcompiled.pdf
akaece said:
I finished my big dumb thing with a Gardevoir and a human boy! 15000 words/30 pages in total of some really gay hypnosis stuff. It's broken up into chapters for your easy reading pleasure. Enjoy!

FA post: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/23040582/
Direct link: http://d.facdn.net/art/akaece/stories/1490749814/1490749814.akaece_pokethingcompiled.pdf
if the gardevoir was female it would be LITERALLY the best thing ever, for me any way
skullman2033 said:
if the gardevoir was female it would be LITERALLY the best thing ever, for me any way
All of my non-Pokemon stories up there so far are straight, if you'd prefer that! I think, by wordcount, I have nearly as much straight stuff up on there.