bare_legs bare_shoulders barefoot blush breasts_outside caption_only cat_girl erect_nipples femsub hinasaki_yo hypnoninja_(manipper) manip open_clothes possession shino_asada short_hair sword sword_art_online text tongue_out

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This is my first manip please give me some advice and if i missed any tags please help me tag it!
HypnoNinja said:
This is my first manip please give me some advice and if i missed any tags please help me tag it!
I love the story and the picture is wonderful. I wish we got more sao manips on the hib
shinylamp said:
I love the story and the picture is wonderful. I wish we got more sao manips on the hib
Thanks!Sorry about the bad english at some parts couldnt really think of how to describe the story xD
HypnoNinja said:
Thanks!Sorry about the bad english at some parts couldnt really think of how to describe the story xD
Don't worry about it, it's still a good manip and I hope to see some more of your work
You know, there are few things that trigger my inner grammar Nazi like incorrect "ed" conjugation. I can't explain it.

Drawed = Drew
Casted = Cast (Unless you're talking about fishing, and even then Cast is more correct.)
Also, Withdawn in this context should be Withdrew.

Aside from that, you really forgot to include spaces after periods and commas. The phrasing, especially in the first part, is pretty repetitive, and at times reads more like a list than a story. There's a delicate balancing to storytelling that takes a lot of practice to get right, but there are two key principles to keep in mind. First, that the story should "flow" from one event to the next. When you put "Protag did X. Protag did Y. Protag did Z." you're introducing a series of hard stops into the story, rather than each line building off of the previous ones and adding details to the story. Secondly, you have to be descriptive. You want your words to create the same image for the reader as the one you had in your head when you were writing them. You're doing okay there, but you could still be better. The middle of the story's a bit of an exposition dump, though. Whenever possible, try to find a way to convey things to the reader without interrupting one story to tell a different one, like when you stop to explain the sword's properties. This information can be revealed organically, through things directly revealed to the protagonist, and through descriptions that imply information - for example, you don't have to say that the sword carries the lady of the lake's spirit or what she does, if your showing her coming from the sword and doing it.

Last, but not least, proofread a little more. You switch back and forth between past tense and present tense throughout your story. This is distracting to the reader, and more glaringly noticeable than all the typos in the world.
DanGambino said:
You know, there are few things that trigger my inner grammar Nazi like incorrect "ed" conjugation. I can't explain it.

Drawed = Drew
Casted = Cast (Unless you're talking about fishing, and even then Cast is more correct.)
Also, Withdawn in this context should be Withdrew.

Aside from that, you really forgot to include spaces after periods and commas. The phrasing, especially in the first part, is pretty repetitive, and at times reads more like a list than a story. There's a delicate balancing to storytelling that takes a lot of practice to get right, but there are two key principles to keep in mind. First, that the story should "flow" from one event to the next. When you put "Protag did X. Protag did Y. Protag did Z." you're introducing a series of hard stops into the story, rather than each line building off of the previous ones and adding details to the story. Secondly, you have to be descriptive. You want your words to create the same image for the reader as the one you had in your head when you were writing them. You're doing okay there, but you could still be better. The middle of the story's a bit of an exposition dump, though. Whenever possible, try to find a way to convey things to the reader without interrupting one story to tell a different one, like when you stop to explain the sword's properties. This information can be revealed organically, through things directly revealed to the protagonist, and through descriptions that imply information - for example, you don't have to say that the sword carries the lady of the lake's spirit or what she does, if your showing her coming from the sword and doing it.

Last, but not least, proofread a little more. You switch back and forth between past tense and present tense throughout your story. This is distracting to the reader, and more glaringly noticeable than all the typos in the world.
Thanks for the advice,sorry my english is pretty bad and i know it.I will try and improve it!
Btw i actually don't usually add spaces after fullstops and commas, I will do that now thanks!
I think i understand what you are implying DanGambino, i agree the story would have been better if i had described the spirit before droping all those information on the reader.
Sao was good untill people stopped dieing in my opinion others 10/10 would watch again
For a first one, this is fairly good. I liked it personally, and I'd love to see more from you in the future.