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- Id: 35714
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Posted: 2016-04-15 21:58:22
by vahn_yourdoom - Size: 1447x2047
- Rating: Explicit
- Score: 102 (vote up)
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>> #99223
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this week weekly sketch~!!
--
www.patreon.com/vahn
>> #99228
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>> #99230
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>> #99330
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>> #99449
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I just noticed how much your English has improved. The wording can still be a bit stiff and unnatural at times, but for the most part it flows very well. Good on ya!
I don't think the English in this post is a particularly good example of his improvement...
"I've just done what you order me to" is weird, should probably be "ordered me too".
"Masturbate all the time for lunch break" - Masturbate through the whole lunch break sounds better. The "All the time" doesn't really make sense, unless it was "all of the time" and even then it should be "During" lunch break(s).
"Made me to be" could just be "Made me be"
I would probably rewrite the first part along the lines of
"Hi Master!
I've just finished (done works as well) what you ordered me to do.
I masturbated all throughout lunch break and
did so without cumming at all.
I was on the edge at least 7 times because
of how sensitive you made me be"
If the order given was intended to be a permanent "every-day" order the wording would have to be a little different.
Honest;y, I've always thought Vahn's text was pretty well-written and very well thought out, so I don't really see this as an improvement over any recent work.
>> #99450
Score: 0 (vote Up)
However (constructive criticism here) I don't agree with EoD, I think the text here is much more awkwardly phrased than your previous works.
>> #99727
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Oh god that sounds torturous. I love it.
it's a way to make the victim craving for the D when the time comes :shrug:
@ jimskog
thanks for the corrections XD