Posted on 2015-12-01 11:59:44
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So...Tried to take someone's advice, and write a different way than I normally do. Thoughts? Opinions?
I'm trying to come back strong.

Posted on 2015-12-01 12:36:31
Score: 0 (vote Up)

Very nice. Love what you did here.

Posted on 2015-12-01 13:06:56
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If "Justin Bailey" makes you obey, what does "Engage Ridley Mother Fucker" make you do? Now I'm curious. :3

Posted on 2015-12-01 15:33:40
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<3_<3

Posted on 2015-12-01 16:19:19
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The two "Now then"s are a little redundant. Consider a revision.

"Someone's put a very large bounty on your head. It's a shame, you seem fun enough to keep around. Now then, follow me. I promise to make this quick and painless."

Posted on 2015-12-01 16:37:18
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This is based on how I rewrite my stories over and over again. It may sound harsh, but it can really improve a text by a lot.

First sentence is a generic and therefore a weak start. "She was beautiful" - make it more descriptive from the get go, to tickle people's mind into the right mood from the beginning. Either immediately follow up with the description or rephrase. The second sentence is too long. Punctuation after "time", then start a third sentence with "after all" or rewrite it alltogether.

Second paragraph: Correct to "as it turned out" - don't jump times, it's very easy to do this and a basic mistake. Double check all sentences for correct time form. Using "Go figure" should either come right after a big reveal at the end of a paragraph or not at all. It's weak in the middle of a paragraph because it breaks text/story flow.

I'll stop right here for an in depth analysis, because this would make the comment really long and of course this is only my opinion. So some more generic tipps.

- Never use someone, something etc if you can make something up. These are weak words UNLESS you specifically want to use them, to explain them in a lengthy way in the next couple of sentences.
- It's really hard to make this work with the limited space we use for stories. Consider leaving part of the story out to focus on being really in depth with the more important part of the story. I do this all the time - my stories are basically 2-3 times as long until I cut them into pieces to make them fit into a text manip.
- Text flow is important. If you can help it focus on one aspect at a time, meaning writing 3 sentences about samus coming over to you and how she looks, then 2-3 sentences about what the sub thinks. Switching every other sentence gets the story progressed and told, but often makes it sound blank.
- Avoid using the same phrases multiple times. E.g. "Now then" in the last paragraph.
- Punctuation and commata: Know when a sentence is to long or short. Don't overdo it, but don't form a lot of 5 word sentences either. That said - you are overdoing it with the commas. Not only are some in sentences where they shouldn't be, having more than 2 commas in a sentence is, in most cases, too much.

Don't worry though, if I come around as overly criticizing you. I think about 95% on this page write like this or worse - but you wanted feedback, didn't you?

Posted on 2015-12-01 16:44:33
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They are pretty damn harsh, but that shouldn't mean that everyone has the Ruth to because of it. Seriously. There is helping, criticing, and there is being a jerk. You could just personal message the person rather than let the whole world see how much you think the person is a failure.

I thought it was not half bad.

Posted on 2015-12-01 16:54:58
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I suppose I should have expected no less. Regardless, I think I'll stick to my normal method of writing. This one seems to have had quite a few problems. So much for coming back strong.

Posted on 2015-12-01 17:32:05
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Get your head out of your arse. At no point did I ever say he/she was a failure. And I don't write long paragraphs to help people just to make them look bad. I want people to improve so that many people, me being one of them, can enjoy their work. Her/His comment in the first posting made it very clear that feedback was wanted. Critic on someones work is NOT a personal attack.


He/She wanted feedback because of a changed way of storytelling. In my books, if you do an effort to change something to improve, being "not half bad" is not exactly what you want to achieve.

Posted on 2015-12-01 18:45:23
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Why do nearly all of my new posts degenerate into bickering? This is just upsetting.