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  • Id: 48458
  • Posted: 2017-05-06 08:30:42
    by Bipp
  • Size: 1738x1200
  • Source: Choco chip
  • Rating: Questionable
  • Score: 132 (vote up)
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bikini bipp_(manipper) blonde_hair blue_eyes breasts caption caption_only choco-chip clothed_exposure femdom large_breasts looking_at_viewer male_pov manip micro_bikini orgasm_command pov pov_sub short_hair text

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2 comments (0 hidden)

DanGambino
>> #173123
Posted on 2017-05-06 20:02:26
Score: 1 (vote Up)
This is pretty dang good, but personally seeing actions denoted with *does thing* puts me off. It reminds me of really low-effort text RPs. You could take out all the instances of it here, make some very minor changes to the text (other than sentence structure that makes my inner editor weep), and still get the point across;

"...I don't really get many men to talk with. I've never had a boyfriend before, but I've got a feeling about you that makes me...aroused. Hehee. Oh, you're getting all red, how cute. Perhaps you want to get a little taste of what it's like to be with me? ...you're a great kisser, you know that? How about we try again? Mmm~ That's really getting me in the mood..."
Bipp
>> #173223
Posted on 2017-05-07 03:46:27
Score: 0 (vote Up)
DanGambino said:
This is pretty dang good, but personally seeing actions denoted with *does thing* puts me off. It reminds me of really low-effort text RPs. You could take out all the instances of it here, make some very minor changes to the text (other than sentence structure that makes my inner editor weep), and still get the point across;

"...I don't really get many men to talk with. I've never had a boyfriend before, but I've got a feeling about you that makes me...aroused. Hehee. Oh, you're getting all red, how cute. Perhaps you want to get a little taste of what it's like to be with me? ...you're a great kisser, you know that? How about we try again? Mmm~ That's really getting me in the mood..."


I do see where you're coming from and yes, I have been called out on this before. But I will try a test to see if removing *insert action here* will be better for all viewers and if not, I'll try altering the text to something more.... Appropriate. Anyway thanks for the comment, and sorry for making you cry internally.
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