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- Id: 49636
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Posted: 2017-05-27 09:06:20
by Grima180 - Size: 1200x686
- Source: danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2724777
- Rating: Explicit
- Score: 227 (vote up)
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>> #177978
Score: 0 (vote Up)
>> #177986
Score: 0 (vote Up)
danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2733469?tags=twintelle_%28arms%29
danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2728987?tags=twintelle_%28arms%29
danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2727554
these all need femdom.
>> #177992
Score: 0 (vote Up)
1. You're missing a word in the second sentence. She wished she COULD be like the dancers.
2. In the following sentence, the last item in a list should be preceded by "and", as in; "sexy, confident, AND desired".
3. The part about the manager walking over and sitting next to her is a bit of a run-on sentence, and should probably either be made more concise, or broken into two sentences.
4. On the other hand, the break between offering the tape and explaining it is a bit jarring, and here the two lines should probably be combined with; "Boosting Confidence With Dance!", and assured her [...]
5. "...sending her a jolt of arousal like she had never imagined." - This sounds awkward. It's not exactly "wrong", but could be worded to read more naturally.
6. It's typically considered poor grammar to begin a sentence with "But" (yes, I know everyone does it conversationally). Correct wording would call for "YET the beat went on..." (throwing in an "and on" before the comma would add emphasis, and make the sentence sound a little less blunt).
7. There should probably be a comma to make "the song changed, and she somehow knew". Might be a stylistic choice.
All of that said, fantastic story. I loved it, despite picking it apart.
>> #178007
Score: 0 (vote Up)
So, allow me to play Editor for a moment...
1. You're missing a word in the second sentence. She wished she COULD be like the dancers.
2. In the following sentence, the last item in a list should be preceded by "and", as in; "sexy, confident, AND desired".
3. The part about the manager walking over and sitting next to her is a bit of a run-on sentence, and should probably either be made more concise, or broken into two sentences.
4. On the other hand, the break between offering the tape and explaining it is a bit jarring, and here the two lines should probably be combined with; "Boosting Confidence With Dance!", and assured her [...]
5. "...sending her a jolt of arousal like she had never imagined." - This sounds awkward. It's not exactly "wrong", but could be worded to read more naturally.
6. It's typically considered poor grammar to begin a sentence with "But" (yes, I know everyone does it conversationally). Correct wording would call for "YET the beat went on..." (throwing in an "and on" before the comma would add emphasis, and make the sentence sound a little less blunt).
7. There should probably be a comma to make "the song changed, and she somehow knew". Might be a stylistic choice.
All of that said, fantastic story. I loved it, despite picking it apart.
In order:
1. *Checks above* fuck
2. Yeah... I toyed with that for a while before deciding that I liked how the words flowed.
3. It WAS originally 2 sentences. But awkward hasty editing and not enough sleep leads to what we got here.
4. I struggled really hard with that transition. This is actually the third version of the story, each radically different from the last. Every attempt basically boiled down to how get that bit of progression to play out at all naturally, without taking a paragraph to do so.
5. Yeahhhhh....
6. Yet another artifact from funky editing. I had a bit there, but ended up scrapping it, but I just stuck the two parts together without really thinking about it.
7. Huuurg... come on man I already reposted a fix of this thing once already. I'm never gonna look at this the same way again.
Thanks! Glad to hear you enjoyed it!
...*Looks above again*...damn my perfectionist impulses...
>> #178010
Score: 0 (vote Up)
danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2733599?tags=twintelle_%28arms%29
danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2733469?tags=twintelle_%28arms%29
danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2728987?tags=twintelle_%28arms%29
danbooru.donmai.us/posts/2727554
these all need femdom.
Not... exactly... what I meant when I said that, but, uh, thanks for believing in me anyway.
Hmm. I might have an idea for one of these, but we'll have to see how the creative juices flow. No promises.