I think the second to last text block is worded a bit weird. It makes the meaning a little more confusing. I recommend changing it to:
...That you're an asshole. But I tried four times to get release by myself, and now I need the real thing. I'm still mad, though, so lie down there, don't move, and don't expect me to be nice.
pathfinderlight said: I think the second to last text block is worded a bit weird. It makes the meaning a little more confusing. I recommend changing it to:
...That you're an asshole. But I tried four times to get release by myself, and now I need the real thing. I'm still mad, though, so lie down there, don't move, and don't expect me to be nice.
I can see the argument for the change in location (here-->down there), but I think it makes sense either way. Additionally, I think the use of "I try" (present tense) to indicate an event in the past is sufficiently fixed with "But I tried four times", and the addition of "now" isn't necessary. In fact, including "and now" sort of implies that she didn't need it before, which doesn't seem to be the intent.
The original sentence "But it's the fourth time I try to get release by myself, and I need the real thing." has no causal relationship to the experimental liquid splashed on her. The whole point is that she DIDN'T need release before he splashed her. Your confusion shows why the addition is necessary.
What I intended to communicate in my last message was that the inclusion of "and now" implies to me that she didn't need the real thing when she was trying four times to get herself off: "I tried four times, but NOW (only now) I need the real thing". I was under the impression that she had been trying to get herself off only after the liquid was splashed on her. This would mean she needed the real thing during those four attempts.
>> #188615
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>> #188616
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...heh?
is there a problem?
>> #188618
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...That you're an asshole. But I tried four times to get release by myself, and now I need the real thing. I'm still mad, though, so lie down there, don't move, and don't expect me to be nice.
>> #188622
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I think the second to last text block is worded a bit weird. It makes the meaning a little more confusing. I recommend changing it to:
...That you're an asshole. But I tried four times to get release by myself, and now I need the real thing. I'm still mad, though, so lie down there, don't move, and don't expect me to be nice.
I can see the argument for the change in location (here-->down there), but I think it makes sense either way. Additionally, I think the use of "I try" (present tense) to indicate an event in the past is sufficiently fixed with "But I tried four times", and the addition of "now" isn't necessary. In fact, including "and now" sort of implies that she didn't need it before, which doesn't seem to be the intent.
>> #188626
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>> #188690
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>> #188691
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