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17 comments (0 hidden)

lewdraccoon
>> #295522
Posted on 2018-12-22 01:14:07
Score: 0 (vote Up)
This is my first manip, let me know what you think. Story by me, art by Rajii.
memes
>> #295523
Posted on 2018-12-22 01:18:34
Score: 0 (vote Up)
Always good to measure cum in liters.
DanGambino
>> #295525
Posted on 2018-12-22 02:06:31
Score: 1 (vote Up)
And the next day the two idiots were arrested, because they had left tons of evidence at the scene. The End.
RedCollarBlackCollar
>> #295526
Posted on 2018-12-22 02:08:15
Score: 0 (vote Up)
lewdraccoon said:
This is my first manip, let me know what you think. Story by me, art by Rajii.


To tag the artist and yourself as manipper:

artist:name
artist:name_(manipper)

You should also remove some unnecessary tags, such as spitroast, ear piercing, alcohol, sheazu, public.
lewdraccoon
>> #295529
Posted on 2018-12-22 02:24:42
Score: 0 (vote Up)
RedCollarBlackCollar said:
To tag the artist and yourself as manipper:

artist:name
artist:name_(manipper)

You should also remove some unnecessary tags, such as spitroast, ear piercing, alcohol, sheazu, public.


Changed the tags, thanks.
MrSandman
>> #295537
Posted on 2018-12-22 02:53:55
Score: 1 (vote Up)
It's kinda... crude.

The picture is well chosen and the glowing eye effect looks good, but Lines like "They spend the night raping her holes" aren't exactly sexy and the mind control is limited to instant submission and followup sex.

It gets the Idea behind the scene along but doesn't really do much to stir up the imagination, at least for me.

The two controllers are also completely unlikable to the point that it further detracts from the setup, though I know that this is subjective and not everyone may share that opinion.
Defcon7
>> #295541
Posted on 2018-12-22 03:33:18
Score: 0 (vote Up)
DanGambino said:
And the next day the two idiots were arrested, because they had left tons of evidence at the scene. The End.


And the sexy fox slave found a better master. ^w^
DanGambino
>> #295542
Posted on 2018-12-22 04:11:36
Score: 0 (vote Up)
MrSandman said:
It's kinda... crude.

The picture is well chosen and the glowing eye effect looks good, but Lines like "They spend the night raping her holes" aren't exactly sexy and the mind control is limited to instant submission and followup sex.

It gets the Idea behind the scene along but doesn't really do much to stir up the imagination, at least for me.

The two controllers are also completely unlikable to the point that it further detracts from the setup, though I know that this is subjective and not everyone may share that opinion.


^
Thank you. Very eloquently put, and really sums up well why I find myself so strongly adverse to this one. Not just in the way that the actual MC is hand-waved, or in how unlikeable the controllers are, but in the language used even in the descriptive text. It doesn't really paint the scene, and as you said, the wording just isn't sexy.
rain
>> #295559
Posted on 2018-12-22 05:47:51
Score: 0 (vote Up)
I felt the same as DanGambino and MrSandman, but I figure maybe that's just an issue of taste? Like maybe someone finds that crudity hot, and isn't there for the elaborate hypnosis scene, just the idea of absolute control?
Naesala
>> #295572
Posted on 2018-12-22 09:06:09
Score: 0 (vote Up)
I'm not opposed to the story or the crudeness of characters (I, for one, find being treated like crap very hot) but the writing itself is very hurried and direct. I think a bit more description and pacing would do it well. It kind of feels like how someone might do a scene in their head in the last 30 seconds of masturbating, just rushing through it all to get the whole thing out before they splooge. I think you have good ideas! Don't feel discouraged! Just try spacing things out a little more, adding a bit more description and using more descriptive words.
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