HypnoMangaEditor
08/04/15 01:45PM
Writing a story - Feedback appreciated *NEW* Chapter 2 added
I want to work a little on my storytelling skills and decided to write a story without having the added visual advantages that come with a text manip. The Story will be split into Chapters and I have the Prologue finished so far. It might look a bit generic in the beginning, but I will expand on this with later chapters. Please don't hesitate to write your thoughts on it.


Prologue


“I like you! Please go out with me!“

Hitomi sighed. Yet another guy asking her to be her boyfriend - not that she didn't expect it after being called to this spot after school. It sure was spring, time for new loves to blossom and hormones to go wild. The Springtime of Youth, or so they say. With the shouts from both Baseball and the Track and Field Club in the distance, this sure felt exactly like it.
There had been many new couples around the school recently, with a rise of hopeless boys trying to get girls well out of their reach. To her surprise, some of them even succeeded in doing so – which had motivated even more boys and sometimes even girls, in asking her out. Valentines Day had been a nightmare, but even after she had already declined more than a dozen of them, there just seemed to be no end to the flow of people confessing to her.

She bowed, like she had done so many times before, and replied to the waiting boy: “I am sorry. but I do not feel the same way.“

Turning to leave, she brushed her long blonde hair over her shoulder with a wave of her hand. She wasn't going to look at the guy's face – he had already taken more than enough of her time and she had better things to do with it. Taking a step forward, however, she was stopped by something holding down one of her legs. The boy had groveled below her, holding onto her right leg from behind. Being completely taken by surprise, she started to kick at him.

„LET … ME … GO!!“

“Why … ?“

The boy looked at her from below. „Why don't you give me a chance? Why … why don't you give ANYONE a chance?“

Finally freeing herself with another kick, Hitomi sends the guy flying backwards on his ass. An angry look on her face, she takes a step forward, putting one of her feet directly in front of his crotch, looking at him from above.

“A plain guy like you and ME? You've got to be kidding me!“, she voiced, spitting directly into his face.

“Looks can be deceiving! All I ask for is a chance!“

“Not in a million years! I am leaving!“

“Wait! You've got to give me a chance … otherwise … otherwise ...“

He grabs his Phone with one hand and holds it right up. “Otherwise ... I am going to spread this picture of you around school!“

“Picture? So now it is Blackmail?“

She sighed again, holding her face with one hand. “Show me that picture.“ Standing up, the boy shakily holds his phone right in front of her. Not taking any chances, Hitomi snatches the device with one swift move. “You even suck at blackmailing ... pathetic ...“

Having acquired the boys phone, she takes a quick look at the display. To her surprise, it is not showing her, but a mix of strange colors moving around in a seemingly random pattern.

“What is this? Your Screensaver ...“

Tumbling backwards her back hits a wall, making her fall on her knees.

“Wait … what … why am I … so … dizzy ...“

She was seeing weird colors. The same colors she had just seen on the phone. The boy in front of her seemed to melt, his voice being distorted. The scene looked like a drug addict's dream. However, it lasted only for a couple of seconds. Then, everything around her shattered like a mirror, its pieces falling apart. There was only darkness after that.

End of Prologue. Next up - Chapter 1 - Her Perception.
HypnoMangaEditor
08/04/15 01:45PM
Chapter 1: Her Perception


“Hitomi-chan? Hitomi-chan?“

Hitomi stirred, slowly opening her eyes.

“What … what happened?“

Putting one Finger on her Lips and slightly bowing forward, one her female classmate was looking at her

“You fell asleep. Clubs are already over.“

Her eyes, not accustomed yet to the current light conditions, looked in the direction of the windows. The orange-reddish glow of a looming sundown already on the horizon, left no doubt that it was well after normal school time.

“Huh? I don't remember dozing off? Where's that guy?“

“That … guy?“

Snickering, with the top of her hand, put over her mouth, her classmate replied: “Were you having a dirty dream, Hitomi-chan?“

“More like a nightmare.“

“A nightmare?“ A puzzled look was forming on her face.

“Never mind. Thank you for waking me up. I'll need another minute, so you can go ahead and leave before me.“

“Okay. Are … you sure you are alright, Hitomi-chan?“

“Yeah, don't worry about it.“

“See you tomorrow then.“ Waving back at Hitomi, she disappeared into the hallway.

This was kind of confusing. Had she just dreamt all that? It seemed weird – not that some guy had confessed to her, but suddenly collapsing without a reason. And if she collapsed right in front of that guy, he surely would have taken her to the infirmary … or somewhere where he could have had his way with her.

She chuckled, brushing aside the thought. Then picked up her bag and left the classroom.

Feeling a familiar pressure, she decided to use the restrooms before leaving the school. Entering a stall, she pulled down her skirt and panties and placed herself on the toilet seat, being grateful that her school was using seats instead of squatting toilets – one of the advantages of going to a better school in the area.

She soon felt both the familiar feeling of release and an unfamiliar feeling of warmth spreading in her lower area. She looked down at herself peeing into the toilet, confused that it felt kind of different, but not unpleasant. Looking down also shifted her view to her panties, causing her to remember something.

“That's right – I wanted to go shopping for a new pair.“

She finished peeing, put on her panties and skirt again and flushed, while almost jumping out of the stall. Washing her hands swiftly, she left the restroom, then went for the school gate. It must have been really late already, because she didn't meet any more people both inside and outside of the school building.

Past the school gate and down the street were a couple of general stores that she rarely walked into – now being heavily populated by students and salaryman. She hurried down another street, making her way to the clothing store she wanted to visit.

As she entered the store and looked around, she realized that a new clerk was working in the store today. She only knew the nice lady that owned the store and seeing a male clerk selling woman underwear in a store seemed somehow wrong to her. The clerk threw her a quick look and then looked back at his newspaper he was reading. Then he looked back up at her, his eyes becoming wide, showing a rather surprised expression on his face.

Hitomi tried ignoring him and looked around for the pair of panties she had already put her eyes on a couple of weeks ago. She found the nice pair of pink ones, and they seemed to have been cut down in price by a lot. She could get multiple ones for the price of less than one .

“Lucky! This kind of makes up for the rest of this awful day.“

The clerk had obviously seen her picking up the pair of panties and kind of just blankly looked in her direction. Hitomi felt awkward being gazed upon, but had no choice but to move up to the counter if she wanted to pay for them. While walking into his direction, she took a closer look at the clerk. He somehow looked cute. He was barely older than her. Probably some college student that really needed the money. Maybe she should just tease him for his behaviour? With her mood being a lot better due to the reduced price, she held the underwear up and asked the clerk:

“Do you think this will fit me?“

“Errh, uh .. you are buying this for yourself?“ He looked down at her skirt and then continued. “O … Of course you are. These are size 5. It should fit you just fine … I think.“
Blushing and stuttering even more, he added: „Y … You can even wear them at night … if you need to.“

“At night?“ What was he talking about? Did this guy already fantasize about her sleeping naked? Wasn't that sexual harassment?

“Of course I need to!“ stuttered Hitomi. „Pervert.“

“Pervert?“ the clerk replied confused. „No … I just wanted to ...“

“I'll take these ones! Here's the money!“

“Sure ...“ the clerk handed her the change and threw the panties into a bag. What was odd, was that it wasn't the cute small one she was used to, but a bigger, more spacious bag. This guy was obviously a moron, she thought, taking the bag and storming out of the store. She made a mental notice to never return to this place.

Being mentally exhausted, Hitomi hurried home, finally arriving half an hour after the sun had set. “I am home!“ She yelled, putting her shoes down in the entrance hall and rushing up the stairs to her room, throwing the bag with her panties on her bed.

She heard her mother from the first floor. „Welcome back. Dinner will be ready in an hour. The bath is free if you want to use it.“

This was exactly what she needed right now. Both that weird dream and her encounter in the underwear store made her somehow feel dirty and she felt refreshed after cleaning herself and putting on some new clothes.

Dinner went by without a hitch and she was back in her room a little later, having grabbed some pudding from the fridge. She turned on her computer and looked at the pages she was normally browsing after her school day, while taking a spoonful of her favourite dessert. The Blogs that were normally updated multiple times a day had the same articles she had already read yesterday.

“No news today, huh? Did they all take a day off?“

Putting the empty pudding cup aside, her eyes wandered to the absurdly big bag on her bed. She turned on her webcam, while making sure the button to broadcast was set to off. She checked the light indication on her Cam to confirm it, and put herself on Fullscreen.

“I should really get a big mirror for my room.“. She sighed, finishing the setup, then slowly starting to undress herself. After removing her clothes, she tried to put on one of her new pair of panties. This, however, proofed to be a little harder than she expected too, with her not being sure why that was the case.

“What is it with these panties?“, she remarked frustrated. Finally finishing to put them on, she looked at the monitor and her moving pictures on it. They looked just fine, although they felt kind of weird.

“Did I buy the wrong ones? The Fabric feels kind of cheap ...“

She checked a second pair in her bag, but they looked exactly like she remembered. Moving back to her Computer Screen, she had another look at her „reflection“. Yep, nothing wrong. They looked good on her.

“Maybe I am just getting tired ...“

Her hand moved to the Power Button of her PC, but stopped when everything around her started to blur out. She blinked for a second and then her senses suddenly returned when there was a knock on the door. She could hear the voice of her mother on the other side.

“Darling, is everything alright? I heard voices coming from your room and it is getting late. Make sure you get enough rest after you finish studying.“

A quick look at her clock showed that it was already well past 11 p.m. When did she lose track of time?

“Thanks mom. I'll get a good night's rest.“

She turned her computer off and stood up, realizing that she was still only wearing her new panties. Once again her look went over her bag, still resting on her bed. First putting them into her drawer, she then proceeded to remove the ones she was wearing, dropping the pair on the stash of her other used clothing in a corner of the room. While holding her panties in her hands, Hitomi noticed them being quite warm, more than she would normally expect from her body heat. This was intensified by a sudden chill in her lower area, that made her quickly dress into her Pajamas. Setting her alarm clock for the next day, she brushed off the feeling of yet another thing being weird on this already confusing day. With some sleep, this would all clear up by morning she thought, as her eyes closed and she fell into a deep slumber.

End of Chapter 1. Next up - Chapter 2 - His Perception.
HypnoMangaEditor
08/04/15 01:46PM
Chapter 2: His Perception

“Hitomi-chan? Hitomi-chan?“

Makoto was standing right next to her waiting for a reaction from her. Slowly, he could see her opening her eyes.

“What … what happened?“

“You fell asleep. Clubs are already over.“, he said.

Hitomi was looking outside, her eyes being closed halfway. She turned to face him, making it possible to get a closer look at her eyes. They looked lifeless, like someone was looking absent mindedly into the far distance, not focusing on anything.

“Huh? I don't remember dozing off? Where's that guy?“

He started sweating. If that phone app didn't work correctly, he'd be kicked around again in a second or two.

“T … That … guy?“

He forced himself to laugh. “Were you having a dirty dream, Hitomi-chan?“

“More like a nightmare.“

“A nightmare ...“, he replied. Well, what did he expect. It wasn't like their meeting had run as he wanted it.

“Never mind. Thank you for waking me up. I'll need another minute, so you can go ahead and leave before me.“

“Okay. Are … you sure you are alright, Hitomi-chan?“

“Yeah, don't worry about it.“

He pulled out his phone and looked at its display. He could see Hitomi in it, talking to a female classmate. However, that person was clearly not in the room. In its stead, Makoto was standing exactly where she would be supposed to be. He grinned - this was too good to be true.

“See you tomorrow then.“, he said, pushing a button on his phone. The Classmate disappeared from the display.

“Hitomi-chan, can you hear me?”

He waved his hands right before her face without her showing any reaction, then went back to look at his phone. There were a lot of options, the first being a Button named “OPEN”. He pushed on it and it and got the option CONTROL and LOCK. Changing it to LOCK a Keylock appeared on the side of the application. A message popped up, explaining the function.

LOCK – The Person will not physically leave its position.

“Interesting. Let's see how this works.”

On the display, Hitomi was standing up, grabbing her bag and leaving the classroom. This was however not the case when he looked right at her. She was still staring blankly into the distance, neither moving her arms, nor her legs. His eyes went back to the display. Hitomi was passing the restrooms when another option appeared. The button was labeled ENTER.

He tried pushing it and the Hitomi on the display entered the restrooms and was walking into a stall. Pulling down her panties and skirt, she sat down on the toilet seat. Makoto couldn't believe his luck. Even if it was not real, he could see his favourite girl pee through her own eyes. He could hear a sigh of relief right next to him as the waterflow on his display started. Makoto, mesmerized by what he was able to see on his phone, took a while before he realized what was going on with Hitomi right next to him.

What would take his attention back to reality was a hissing sound that could be heard in the classroom. Not knowing where it came from, Makoto first thought some insect had entered through one of the windows, but realized they were already closed. The sound suddenly changed into something sounding more like water running. Maybe someone was using the water spender in the hallway? No, it came from somewhere nearer, from inside this room.

His eyes fell upon Hitomi, her face showing signs of relief and a slight blush appearing on her cheeks. He looked at the display, then back at her. Then it hit him. Shifting his view downwards, he could see a water running below her desk. There was no doubt now. The Hitomi right next to him had started wetting herself on her seat, believing she was sitting on the toilet.

Not knowing what he could do to stop it, Makoto's view had switched between looking at Hitomi and his display, the scene unfolding in its entirety before he could react again. Taking a closer look how bad the damage was, he moved the table aside. Not being careful enough, he managed to put one of his feet into the puddle, cursing himself.

He was greeted by an unbelievable sight. Hitomi, whom he had liked for more than a year, sitting on a chair right beside him, having completley wet herself like a toddler. The smell was unbearable, a strong scent of Ammonia flaring up his nostrils as he bowed down beside her. Her skirt was a total loss and so were her panties, both drenched to a degree that it had almost reached her shirt.

Even though part of him was disgusted, he could feel his boner being rock hard. He had never been more aroused by anything before. He took a step back and reached for his Phone, taking a picture of Hitomi and the whole scene. This would be good masturbation material for a while, until he had figured out how he could use the application to make her his. Having sex with her would surely come, but this was neither the time, nor the place for it.

“I can't let you keep sitting in your puddle forever, and here's nothing to clean you up and dry your shirt. Let's ...”

He stopped. Drying the Skirt would take hours, by which either a teacher, the janitor, or a random pupil might find them – not counting the fact that her parents would get suspicious and call the school. There was another Option ...”

No ... he couldn't do this .. surely there was another way ...

But ... didn't she deserve a little humiliation? Walking around school like a princess, turning his feelings away and even kicking at him when he spilled out his heart to her. A grin formed on his face and the tent in his pants grew bigger as he changed the LOCK - setting back to OPEN. Then he turned to Hitomi.

“Let's go outside for a bit.”

Pushing the button on did cause some changes in the Phone app. On the side of the application, were previously the Keylock could be seen, an animated symbol of a person walking was now present. There was also a new Button spelling HOME on it. Makoto took a closer look at the options and addressed Hitomi, who was now getting ready to leave the classroom. “How about shopping for some new underwear? I know just the perfect store for you.” He changed HOME to SHOPPING and chose a store from the map. This caused yet another popup to appear: Would you like to make this Location appear as something else?

Thinking for a second, he chose YES and selected SHOPPING – LINGERIE from a Dropdown menu.

Hitomi, now walking out of the classroom, left behind a trail of urine. To anyone looking at her it was obvious that she had an accident. Makoto kept following behind her, but left a good distance between them. No reason to be seen with her, especially when she was kind of attracting attention with that wet skirt of hers. Looking at the display, it looked like in her mental image she either walked a longer than normal way out of the school, or just walked more slowly than her physical counterpart, because once they reached the school gate, her physical body had met up with the mental image on the display. Makoto let out a breath of relief - neither he nor Hitomi met anyone else – though he was sure, that it wouldn't take long for a teacher or the janitor to discover the trail of urine that she had left behind.

Entering the streets, there were of course more people now, so she would be seen shortly. Looking at the display, she was still moving in the general direction of the store he entered. He locked his Phone and continued following her from a safe distance, observing the people around her.

At first, most ignored her, but the more populated the streets became, the more obviously some of them were talking and looking at her. There was a boy that pointed at her, being hushed away by what appeared to be his mother, a young girl was just looking at her with an open mouth, while a trio of schoolgirls from another school giggled when they saw her, quickly looking away right after that. Some passerbies, mostly male, even took out their phones to snap a picture.

Hitomi did not notice any of this – which would have been impossible under normal conditions, but the phone app seemed to either filter this out, or induce some kind of tunnel vision when set for a certain destination. She arrived at the store a couple of minutes later. It was a small Pharmacy that Makoto sometimes bought medicine from. Standing a few metres away, he had a clear look into the store, while the Display showed him what Hitomi was seeing. He could see the clerk reacting surprised as he saw her entering the store, clearly noticing her still wet skirt. On the display Hitomi seemed to be inside a big store for woman lingerie, happily checking out a pair of panties and moving up to the counter with it.

This was, however, not the case in reality. Even from a distance away, Makoto could see her, grabbing a package of something and moving up to the counter with it. She exchanged some words with the clerk, which resulted in her reacting quite upset with him. The clerk was reacting even more surprised by her reaction, but took her money and put the big package into an even bigger bag.

While doing so, Makoto could finally see what Hitomi had bought. He snickered – it had worked exactly like he wanted to. Hitomi had bought the only thing in the store that qualified as underwear. On the side of the package, written in big letters, was the name of the product – “Happy Bear Adult Diapers”.

Meanwhile, Hitomi had stormed out of the store with her purchase, leaving the clerk visibly confused. It was probably save to say that a teenage girl with a wet skirt, buying adult diapers for herself, wasn't something happening frequently.

There was a short beep on Makoto's phone. The option of SHOPPING had reverted to HOME, with, once again, the flashing signal of “Synch” being visible on the display.

“Well, time to go home myself. I still can see what is going on with her through the display for the time being.” He put his phone away and started to walk. Unfortunately, his excursion with Hitomi had led him in the opposite direction of the town, taking him almost an hour to get back home.

Arriving after the sun had set, he entered the darkened apartment. Not bothering to call out for anyone, he moved to the kitchen. His father was always working well into the night, his mother had left them a couple of years ago, and with no siblings in his family, he had been coming home to an empty apartment for most of his life. He opened the fridge to pull out a can of soda and grabbing a dish that had been prepared for his dinner. While eating, he kept checking what Hitomi was doing with his phone. She was taking a bath, the view sadly being obscured by steam, and then went on to eat dinner herself. Finishing his meal, Makoto put the dishes in the sink and walked into his room. By that time, Hitomi had already started up her Computer and dressed into a pair of her new “panties”. Since the display did show Hitomi's view of the situation, he just saw her posing in what appeared to be cute pink panties.

Looking at his Phone, he checked the options available. He hadn't tried the CONTROL one yet and she was alone in what seemed to be her own room. Even if something went wrong, the chances of fixing it before it escalated were pretty good and he needed to learn more about the application to be able to use it better.

He pushed the Button and changed it from OPEN to CONTROL. The screen blurred for a second and then said CONTROL MODE – PLEASE CHOSE INPUT. There were 2 more options, one being PHONE and the other one being VOICE. He pressed the PHONE one, which opened up a lot of additional interactive options around Hitomi.

The controls, however, were quite clunky. Even though it did work, they seemed to be more of a backup than a main feature. Frustrated by the lack of a decent way to control Hitomi, he looked for a way to use the VOICE option. There was always the option to simply call her, but he also wanted to look at her – and the display didn't exactly show the reality of things. He made her walk over to her computer, showing him her IP and writing down some of the logins she commonly used for things like Facebook and her mail. Noting down everything, he also let her create a new user account for her computer. Pulling out his Notebook, he entered the IP and tried the login credentials of the newly created admin account. Within less than a minute he had full control of her PC, which included her speakers and webcam.

He switched to VOICE on his Phone and used the built in Microphone of his computer to address her: “Hitomi, can you hear me?”

It took a second, then he could hear a voice through her own webcam.

“Yes ... I can hear you.”, she replied with a dull, tired sounding voice.

He looked at the Webcam. The picture was pretty bad, so he checked out its settings. To his surprise, she had a really good one and it was wireless too! Improving the Picture quality wouldn't be too hard a task in this case. He told Hitomi to move the camera to a different place in her room while he played around with the settings. The Picture went offline for a second and when it returned, he had a nice, sharp picture focused on her bed.

“Why don't you lie down on your bed and do some sexy poses for the webcam, Hitomi?”

Now entering the picture, he could see her beautiful figure. Her curves were all in the right spot, her breasts had just the right size without them either being too small or too big. He couldn't exactly say anything about her ass though, because she was wearing the diapers she had bought earlier. Posing as sexily as she could, she would have looked great in a swimsuit or cute panties, but with her babyish attire it did seem a little awkward.

Makoto snickered. If someone had told him he would be able to see Hitomi in Diapers by the end of the day, he would have taken him to the infirmary to get his brain checked. Now, however, this was no longer some wicked fantasy. She was at his mercy and having discovered that he rather liked seeing her like that, he wanted to push her further down that road.

“Listen Hitomi, I want you to do the following for me ...”
HypnoMangaEditor
08/04/15 01:46PM
Reserved
HypnoMangaEditor
08/04/15 01:46PM
Reserved
JonSmisu
08/05/15 09:33AM
Hmmm....interesting, even if it's not fully my thing. I can't go into detail right now, but there are a few grammar errors. Like, some random capitalization, a few awkward phrases, and I know that you shifted tenses in the first part. But I can't point them out right now, mind if I take a rain check? XD
HypnoMangaEditor
08/05/15 09:39AM
JonSmisu said:
Hmmm....interesting, even if it's not fully my thing. I can't go into detail right now, but there are a few grammar errors. Like, some random capitalization, a few awkward phrases, and I know that you shifted tenses in the first part. But I can't point them out right now, mind if I take a rain check? XD

English isn't my native language, so sure, go ahead. The tenses shifting has been a problem with my english for years.
Ogodei-Khan
08/05/15 06:28PM
Not enough to comment on at the moment, a fairly stock story so far but that's not a bad thing. More detail can be provided when i see where you're going with this.
HypnoMangaEditor
08/05/15 07:06PM
Ogodei-Khan said:
Not enough to comment on at the moment, a fairly stock story so far but that's not a bad thing. More detail can be provided when i see where you're going with this.

Working on Chapter 2 which should make it obvious for the people that didn't already notice. Might take some more time though.
HypnoMangaEditor
08/07/15 01:19PM
Update: Added Chapter 2. I am not sure which direction I want to go next, because the basic idea has already been realized by these 2 chapters.

I left a couple of things open for later though.
HypnoMangaEditor
08/14/15 07:01PM
No reply within 1 week. Guess i'll just stop here then, because for the future chapters I would need a couple of peoples feedback, which doesn't look like i'll get it.
Dreamshade
08/14/15 10:33PM
HypnoMangaEditor said:
No reply within 1 week. Guess i'll just stop here then, because for the future chapters I would need a couple of peoples feedback, which doesn't look like i'll get it.


Not much feedback on stories in general right now anyway.

I'd try, but, not to put too fine a point on it, our fetishes do not line up.
Cradily
08/15/15 03:12AM
HypnoMangaEditor said:
No reply within 1 week. Guess i'll just stop here then, because for the future chapters I would need a couple of peoples feedback, which doesn't look like i'll get it.


I refrained from commenting basically because of the reason Dreamshade outlined. Though if you want to hear my thoughts -

The two parts I find hot about hypnosis/mc is the induction and what the subjects does afterwards. The first part was pretty much skipped in your story by using a phone app to almost instantly bring her under. The second part, well, I'm not a fan of urination/diapers/humiliation, so I didn't find that arousing either =P

Grammar and writing-wise, everything was fine to me. I'm not going to take it apart and look at sentence structures and such, because I can only judge if something sounds right (fuck the nouns/adverbs and those technicalities). Which is a lot better than half of the stories on mcstories, where I had to stop reading because of the typos or how the story didn't seem to flow well.
Ogodei-Khan
08/15/15 05:20AM
I can see what you were going for with the two lines together, the one sets the reader up to see how she reacts and the other one shows what was actually happening, sort of like a good heist movie.

I would like to see more struggle on the sub's part, however.
JonSmisu
08/15/15 05:54AM
HypnoMangaEditor said:
No reply within 1 week. Guess i'll just stop here then, because for the future chapters I would need a couple of peoples feedback, which doesn't look like i'll get it.


Sorry. :/ This is, I must admit, not my thing, but I was going to try and play with the grammar a bit, but I've had timing issues. I do like the concept, and the playing with perception, for what it's worth. I can still go through and nitpick, if you so wish. :P
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