Hello all. I posted this in the Story thread but I don't feel like it's getting enough attention there. If it's not too much trouble I'm just going to post it here too that I'm looking for people to critique my story. I'm only looking for a small amount of people so if you're interested please contact me via D-mail. and I'll set you up with a link to the download. I'l let people know when I have enough before I delete this thread.

Edit: I've decided to just post it <<saimin.booru.org/index.ph...ew&id=12&pid=0#17|here>>. If you feel like giving a critique please comment in either this thread or the thread that the story is posted in... or both.... which ever suits your fancy.

Well.... it sounds interesting enough to seek out feedback for something creative.

I sent my feedback over DMail because it was pretty long. I'd be interested in seeing more of the story, but please do take my advice into consideration before carrying on.

Okay, just on the first two paragraphs: I hope you're fully aware of how challenging what you're trying to do here is! You've got one character's rather disjointed speech mixed up with that of another, using typography that doesn't make it immediately obvious that something weird is going on, with all of it being a character's fairly awkward self-introduction.

All of that *can* be done. But you've got to do a lot of work to do it *right*. For a start, fundamentals. Spelling, grammar, punctuation. Things like putting "since" where you should have "sense", or leaving out commas or whole words ("having to go school") are mistakes that will hurt any writing, and will *really* hurt writing that's trying to do something out of the ordinary. The reader has to have absolute confidence that when you're breaking the rules, you're doing it deliberately, not just because of insufficient editing.

Further, as a whole: I think you need more elbow grease before you have really earned what your story is so far trying to claim. My recommendation is to finish the first draft of the story, however long it gets, then maybe shelve it for a month or so before a second draft, wherein your major priority is to throw out all the bits that are doing too much telling and not enough showing. Then maybe a third draft and a fine-toothed editing pass, or whatever process works for you. I'm not a writer myself, I don't actually know how the professionals do this stuff.