hypnoahegao
03/12/18 08:35PM
The End of Two Heroes - My Hero Academia NSFW Story
Based on this image here: hypnohub.net/post/show/61631

It's all here. ALL COMPLETED.
FEEDBACK ENCOURAGED

THEMES: Themes: Ahegao, mind break, MC, femsub, maledom, My Hero academia, Ochako uraraka, Shinso, corruption


CHAPTER 1:



"Do you like him?"

Ochako lay on her bed, face into the sheets, alone in the darkness of her apartment. Aoyama's words had bothered her ever since her freshman year.

She had done a remarkable job of denying her own feelings. Uraraka had been lying to herself for so long, she almost believed it. And yet, here she was yet again, flustered by the accusation that she was in love, sobbing gently into her pillow late at night.

"UGH!" Uraraka exclaimed to herself. "Why do I always DO this? I like him...but I can't be honest with myself, or even TELL HIM!" Frustrated more than upset, Ochako threw her pillow and began to practice one of the many drills taught to her by Gunhead. It didn't help; all she could think of was her first encounter with Toga;

"You've got the same scent as me. There's someone you're crushing on"

"And you're thinking you wanna be just like him."

Ochako stopped, for two reasons. First and foremost, the villain had been correct; Ochako Uraraka wanted to be strong like Deku. She told the others she interned with Gunhead's agency to expose herself to new possibilities and experiences, however...

"Now that I really think about it, it was all because of him"

The second reason she had to stop was because of an uncomfortable nervous feeling between her legs. Ochako remembered what Toga's face looked like during their fight. The look of ecstasy on Toga's face made Ochako feel jealous, but this was not something Ochako understood. Adding to her confusion, Uraraka realized her hands were moving between her legs. Startled at herself, she quickly moved them underneath her and sat directly on her hands to calm herself down. This problem had been happening more frequently lately. Even so, Ochako denied herself time after time. She associated those unfamiliar feelings with a psychotic villain. She felt a sense of betrayal each time she let those feelings take hold. She hated herself for longing to feel...whatever this was.

Her face became bright red. With a shout, Ochako took one last punch at her pillow and got out of bed. Whispering to herself, embarrassed for yelling so late at night, she spoke. "Something needs to be different. I need to do...something." She changed into some nice street clothes; a green jacket, a clean t-shirt, and a skirt. She redid her hair and set out into the night to distract herself.

CHAPTER 2

Shinso rarely had time for fun these days. To get into the Hero course at U.A. he had to work harder than everyone else. When Shinso did need to unwind, he came to this club. It was noisy, and a little much for his tastes. But his friends liked to come. And there was a small cafe in the corner for people like him enjoy.

Suddenly, a small, frail voice was heard on his left, across the bar.

"Let go of me...please"

It was then that he saw her. Shinso had no idea how long she had been here, but she was only a few seats down. Even with the noise, Shinso was happy to have noticed. Two men were trying to pull her out of her seat by the wrist. "Come on, love! Let's go somewhere nice!" said the largest of the two men.

The girl replied with a sad, nervous look in her eyes, "I don't...know." she said. "...I...would it be ok? I...I don't..." She seemed unsure and frightened. But Shinso also saw something else; acceptance. Has she been drinking? he thought. He couldn't let what was happening in front of his eyes continue. She needs a hero, he thought.

Shinso walked up to the girl's seat, and gave the thugs a cold stare. "I didn't realize this was a club for freaks and predators. I must be in the wrong place"

The largest of the two men turned. "That's none of you-" He stopped speaking. His eyes went blank.

Shinso sighed. He glanced quickly and saw a somewhat familiar face; Ochako Uraraka, tears forming around her eyes. That girl is from class 1-A... what is she doing here? And how did I not recognize such a cute girl before?

Shinso returned his attention to the thug he now controlled with his quirk. "Show everyone that you don't belong here." he commanded. "Punch your friend in the face." Shinso's voice was devoid of emotion, but his eye's were able to tell the full story; anger. Without hesitation, the largest of the two pulled his companion away from Uraraka and sent a right hook into his cheekbone. He went down and was out cold. Glasses shattered as the thug was knocked into the bar counter.

The noise brought club security over rather quickly. Shinso insisted that they would not need to be escorted out, and that he would help his "friends" make their way home.

Shinso spoke. "Come on, hero girl. Let's get our new friends outside." Uraraka looked up from her seat at Shinso, who extended a friendly hand. She knew him from the Sports Festival, though they weren't well acquainted. She was just happy to have someone looking out for her. She accepted, still a bit shaken, and together, they walked outside into an alleyway. The first thug carried his unconscious friend back with him, per Shinso's instructions.

"Drop him now." As the thug dropped his friend onto the damp concrete of the alley, Shinso simultaneously released his hold on the thug. Before he could even understand what was happening, Shinso's fist flied into the guy's gut, knocking the wind out of him. The thug kneeled on the ground, reeling from the punch and his own confusion. After a moment, the man spoke.

"You actually used your quirk, you damn bastard. For someone who just played the role of a hero, you certainly seem to be ok breaking the law. How no-"
The thug was cut off once again by Shinso's quirk.
"I am grateful no one noticed me using my power. But I don't need people like you lecturing me on how to be a hero. Go home. And never do this again"

Shinso was grateful; his powers had grown since the sports festival. His quirk, Brainwashing, now had the ability to leave long term suggestions in people's minds. Long term suggestions varied in strength, with simple commands lasting longer than specific ones. He trained by using his power to get some of his friends to quit smoking, with their permission. He could now also alter a person's state of consciousness while they were directly under his control. Although he wasn't very comfortable possessing such an ability.

Shinso saw the other begin to wake. As he rose from the ground, Shinso thought he saw the man's eye's flicker into a different color. A feeling...touched his mind. Reached him. But it was fleeting, and before Shinso could understand it, it was gone. And so were both men.

CHAPTER 3:



After a moment of silence, Uraraka started to laugh. Shinso turned around to meet her eyes for the first time all night, but her head was cast downward. "I wanted to go out and enjoy myself, but all I did was cause trouble. I couldn't even use my training to defend myself... I... I’m sorry..."

Tears filled her eyes again. Shinso was taken aback; he wanted to be a hero, but he had no idea what it was like to console a victim. "Uraraka right? Look, you didn't do anything wrong. Don't apologize for creeps you aren't responsible for. And... uh...Don't tell anyone I used my quirk..."

"*sniff*....ok." Without skipping a beat, Uraraka stopped crying; her face became extremely flustered. “I didn't even thank you for helping me! That's so rude of me!"

She got uncomfortably close to Shinso's face. For a moment, Shinso felt like he really was looking at something beyond a person; he saw the soft texture of her cheeks and beautiful brown eyes that were wet with tears just a moment ago. Shinso began to blush. "It's fine...r-really."

Uraraka couldn't help but smile at him, oblivious to his awkwardness. "Could you stay with me for a bit? It would be nice to have someone to talk to."

That's odd, she thought. I wanted him to stay but I didn't think I would have asked.

And with that, the two heroes in training began to walk back to Uraraka's appartment. On the way back, the two of them stopped at a local park, and chatted for a while.

Shinso greatly enjoyed her company. The more and more time they spent together, the more this feeling grew inside of him. He hadn't had this much fun talking to another person in such a long time.

Until Uraraka brought him into the conversation.

"Shinso...can I tell you something?"

Tense, but composed, Shinso nodded.

"I... like someone."

What?

"But...I... don’t know how to tell him."

Well that's unfortunate. “Who...who is it?"

"I haven't told anyone this before but...it's De- I mean...Izuku. Izuku Midoriya. AHHH I don't know why I am telling you this! I mean, you saved me! So, I really trust you and I consider you a great friend...”
She was even more flustered now. “Promise you won't tell anyone ok?"

Oh. Friend. Him. Shinso felt himself getting...angry. But he couldn't really understand it. Have I really fallen for this girl so easily? He stayed calm. "Of...course Uraraka. Why ARE you telling me this?"

"I just...I need something to change. I want him to know that I like him, but I don't...think I can do it by myself.”

She wants help from me asking this kid out? Why would I...

Nervously, Uraraka spoke. "I know you have already done so much for me...and I feel bad asking but...Could you use your powers on me?"

Pure anger swelled in Shinso's heart. She wants to use me to get what she wants? I would never do that to a person. That's not what a hero would do.

Wait...that doesn’t make sense…aren’t I being a bit irrational?

Shinso's mind was spinning. All the while, Uraraka was explaining that she wanted Shinso to help her ask Deku out by using his powers to control or influence her actions during the exchange. It was a naive, cowardly, and immature way to express one's feelings. It seemed to contradict Uraraka's very nature. And yet...

Shinso sat quietly, staring into Uraraka's eyes, for what seemed like forever. Finally, he said "Yes. I will help you. Meet me in the U.A. workout room tomorrow after school hours. We will need absolute quiet and privacy for this to work. We can’t have any disturbances or distractions." Shinso cracked a seemingly innocent grin. It made Uraraka leap with joy. She flung her arms around Shinso. "Thank you so much"

Shinso finished walking Uraraka to her apartment.

He could not wait for tomorrow.



INTERMISISON: INTRODUCING THE THUGS!




HELLO EVERYONE! LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR OUR THUGS!

THUG #1! Shinso's brainwashed victim! His quirk: Soothing Thug #1 can dampen the emotions of any person he comes in physical contact with. He can instantly decide which emotions will be suppressed in his victim's after having touched them. His victim's hardly ever notice the subtle effects of his powers, and the duration and strength of the effect varies.

THUG #2! The man with the glass jaw! His quirk: Rioting. Thug #2 has a similar quirk to his brother. Through eye contact, Thug #2 can heighten certain emotions in a person. He doesn't have complete control of his ability yet though; he can choose which emotions to enhance, but other times the effects of his powers depend on which emotions the victim suppresses deep within their subconscious. The effects of his powers are also hard to detect, and the duration and strength of the effect varies.

Both Thugs used their powers on Uraraka to make her more confident in her decision making and less willing to fight back. It's whys Shinso thought she had been drinking when she started to give in to their pushy behavior. Thug #2 appears to have used his powers on Shinso as well, unintentionally.




CHAPTER 4:




Uraraka sat in bed, grinning from ear to ear, her face completely red and her breathing a bit heavy. I should be upset that tonight went so sideways...but...Shinso was so nice...and... tomorrow I get to...get to... " She couldn't think clearly with her hands buried between her legs.

Why had she been so hesitant to do this before?


Next day:

School had been over for about an hour. The sun began to set, and everyone went home, save for Uraraka. She changed into her workout clothes and made her way to the gym.

I was dressed like this during the sports festival. I felt strong then. I can’t explain it very well, but I feel strong now too. Maybe I don't need Shinso to control me. Maybe I can do this!

She walked into the gym. Shinso was already there. She wanted to tell him that they should tweak the plan a bit; helping her ask Deku out without controlling her actions directly. She was feeling confident, after all.

She never did get to tell him that.

"Hello Uraraka."

"Hello Shinso!"

A strong sensation washed over her entire body. Uraraka couldn't move. Her vision became distorted. Her mind felt hazy, and her thoughts struggled to pierce through the fog. What's going...on? Why is he...did we start already?"

A dark cloud seemed to loom over Shinso's soul as he spoke.

"I have wanted to be a hero...for so long... But people always assumed the worst in me. They expected me to become a villain or use my powers for their sakes. If anyone else had my power they WOULD be villains! And you Uraraka...I thought you would be different...that you understood me. But you just wanted to use my powers for your own sake...so that you could be a coward and go be with someone else.

“...But not...not me” he continued. “I am not a villain...I am simply getting what is owed to me for being such a good hero.”

This is bad. What is wrong with him? I have to scream! I have to move! I have to get help! I have to...to...” Uraraka couldn’t focus. She started to drift away. Everything was unnaturally calm.

“Relax...lay down on the floor. No one is left in the school to help you. It's just us. And don't be so worried; I am still going to give you want you want. You will get to tell Deku you love him, and it's going to feel so good. Now…Blank.

With that single word, all her thoughts stopped. Uraraka's mouth slid open, and a tiny amount of drool escaped the side of her parted lips. Her eyes parted slightly from one another, staring into nothingness. She fell slowly onto her knees, and then laid herself down gently onto the ground. Her drool began to pool on the floor around her face and chest.

Shinso's pants were down and he was already stroking his cock. He was excited, and he was in control. But he was not himself. He understood late last night, after he was home, that someone had used a quirk to alter his personality. But the effects were powerful and compounding one after the other. Eventually, he stopped caring and let the changes take hold. It felt fucking good.

Shinso kneeled and ran a hand through Uraraka’s bangs. "Such a good girl Ochako.” He had no qualms about being so informal now, or so creepy. “Tell me, are you a good girl?"

Ochako made a quiet whimpering noise, muffled by her drool.

"Forgive me...I’ve never used my quirk this aggressively before. I am not used to it." For a fleeting moment, Shinso was aware of what he had become. Guilt gnawed at his conscious. And then it was gone; suppressed by desires once suppressed by his own good nature.

"Ochako, I am your master. You will answer me when I command you too. Nod if you understand.”

Still staring blankly, she nodded slightly.

“Good girl. Who is your master?”

After a moment of hesitation, Ochako responded. "You."

"And are you a good girl?"

"I am...a...go-od g-girl" she was chocking slightly on her own spit. It only made Shinso harder.

“Whose good girl?” Shinso asked.
“I am master’s good girl.” She replied. Her voice was weak, but Shinso was happy to hear her choice of words this time. His hold on her was getting stronger.

Pleased with himself, Shinso leaned back against the wall to admire his new pet. “That’s right. Now, let’s start with some questions.” He hesitated for a moment. He was almost afraid to ask.

“Do you love Izuku Midoriya?” he said.

“Yes” her voice was steady. There was no hesitation or deliberation, despite the fact that Shinso was forcing her to answer deep, personal questions. Her mind was truly absent from this moment.

“Do you want Izuku Midoriya to love you?”

“Yes”

Do you want to be touched by Izuku Midoriya?

The suggestion briefly returned some semblance of cognition back into her mind. She shivered. "Yes."

Shinso noticed his grip on her mind had weakened and sent a surge of his power into her. She was blank again, her eyes wider apart than before. Her hands, once clenched in fists, went limp.

“Have you ever experienced an orgasm before?”

“I...don't know master.” Shinso got excited hearing this. The girl wants to answer her master so badly, but she lacks an understanding of the question itself. Interesting, he thought to himself. He then revised his question.

“Have you ever touched yourself before?”

Her mind wandered. There was a moment of silence before she was able to reply. “Last night...I...yes. her face took on a slightly red hue of embarrassment

Even more interesting, he thought. “Uraraka, we need to get you acquainted with these feelings before you can confess to Deku. Right?”

“Confess...Deku...yes...master...” Her trance was so deep now that her ability to form sentences was impaired as well.

"Good." Shinso revealed a remote-controlled vibrator from his pocket. I could just augment her mind to feel pleasure, but we should start with this. Shinso used tape to place the vibrator between her legs. "Ochako, you are going to repeat the words, 'I am masters good little girl.' Every time you say it, you will feel better and better and better. You will only think of your master and the pleasure. Do you understand?”

“Yes…master…”

Shinso turned the vibrator on. Ochako's face winced, and then relaxed. She began her mantra, reciting it slowly, with pauses in between. It must be hard for her to follow commands in this state, Shinso thought, grinning.

"I am masters good little girl. I am masters good little girl. I am masters good little girl. I am masters good little girl. I am masters good little girl. I am masters good little girl."

Moments later, Ochako began to shake and quiver, her waist moving up and down from the floor in an obscene fashion.

"I ahm mahsturrsss g-good little...girl" Her breathing was heavy; her speech became slurred and her drool began to choke her words again. She continued. "mmmm m-mmmmahsturrsssz g-gu...gudd...gud lil...gir. msstrrr gu- girl. Im good mastur girl. good good good good goooooo…"

She came for the first time in her life, pleasure overflowing her empty, commanded head. She continued to murmur her commands by moving her mouth. The iris' of her eyes were as far away from each other as could possibly be.

Shinso turned the vibrator off for a moment. "Get on your knees and take your top and bra off.” Ochako did as she commanded., sliding her shirt over her breasts and unhooking her bra. Shinso felt hypnotized himself by the way her breasts tugged on her clothing. Shinso's cock was now within inches of Ochako's face. He felt himself pulsing with anticipation.

"Ochako, this thing in front of your face? It's Izuku Midoriya. Your Deku. Say hello."

"Yes...master...Hi...Deku...?"

"Yes, that’s right. Why don't you tell Deku how you feel?

"Deku...I... love...you...hehe" a drunken-like grin appeared on Uraraka's face, and her eyes got heavy. Drool started to flow from her mouth again.

"Very good Ochako. Deku loves you too. Would you like to kiss him?"

Uraraka felt a warm feeling overcome her. "Yes...please..."

Shinso was pleased with himself. “I thought so.” Have you ever kissed someone before?

"No, Master...Deku? Who...?

Shit, he thought. I wasn't clear if the voice she was hearing was Deku's or mine. He sent another surge of brainwashing into her mind, this time adding more relaxing feelings and sexual arousal into the mix. She grinned even wider, her eyes beginning to roll into her head.

"In that case" Shinso said, "I will teach you how to kiss. Open your mouth and wait for him. Make sure to use your tongue okay?

"Oh...kay... m-master."

Shinso slid his cock into Ochako's moth and began to fuck her face. Shinso was enveloped in the warm feeling of Uraraka’s mouth, and the adrenaline of forgoing his personal morals. It’s a good thing I'm a hero" he thought to himself, no longer aware of his hypocrisy. Ochako's eyes continued to roll back into her head as she sucked on Shinso's cock, murmuring incomprehensible words and letting out lustful moans.

"Kissing feels good, doesn't it, Ochako?"

"mmmhmhmhmhm" she murmured.

"Let that feeling grow! Indulge it! Satisfy it!" Ochako began to finger herself as she ate away at her "kiss." Shinso turned the vibrator back on. In that moment, she came. Her body tensed, and then stopped all motion. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and her body went limp. Shinso continued to fuck her this way until he came, pulling his cock out of her mouth, leaving Ochako Uraraka unconscious, with tears in her eyes, and drooling cum all over her bare breasts.

Shinso could feel Uraraka's mind wandering. It was breaking; her connection to reality was crumbling. She began to dream about her family, but her thoughts were distorted.

Without command, Ochako spoke. "Daddy...help...me...daddy...daddy look...i’m a good...feels...good...I feel...master…"

Shinso cock grew hard again. In a fit of lust, Shinso pushed Uraraka onto her back and entered her as he smothered himself in her large breasts. He did not issue her any commands; he simply let her dream as he took her innocence from her. A part of Uraraka became aware of what was happening to her, but she could do nothing about it. She felt how wrong it was, and how fucking good it felt to just let it happen. Why fight it?

Only hours had passed but it felt like days. Shinso was proud; he threw away his moral shackles and became who he wanted to be. At least Shinso thought so. Deep down, sadness and regret tugged at his soul.

Uraraka, covered in the products of her indecency, held in the air by her master's cock and arms, was no longer the same girl. Her mind was beyond repair; her very sense of self destroyed, and sloppily reconstructed as Shinso's cock sleeve. She didn't need anything else...no one else...except...except...

“...D... Deku...where...help...me...Deku...?"

Shinso had been smiling throughout the last few hours. Upon hearing this, his smile slowly faded into a callous, stone cold expression. He began his display of discontent with anger that slowly descended into disappointment. "After EVERYTHING I've done for you...for us...you still desire him? Do you?

Ochako did not respond. Her eyes were rolled far back into her head. Every muscle in her body wouldn't stop convulsing from the hundreds of orgasms she experienced. Shinso instructed her to stick her tongue out, smile, and make peace signs as she came. Drool lined the insides of her mouth like webs and dripped from her parted lips like a mindless animal. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She had passed out again.

"No. No more." Shinso threw Uraraka onto the floor. Shinso stood behind Uraraka's naked form, bringing her pussy right near his cock. He pressed her face hard against the tile floor, squishing her cheeks. Still shaking, still drooling, Still smiling. Still crying. Uraraka did not think of these things. Everything was just white with pleasure. And in that void within her mind was Izuku Midoriya; the man whom she loved. The one she would never let go.


"Every time I thrust myself into you with my cock, you will forget. You will forget your family. Your friends. Your own name. You will forget Izuku Midoriya. You will only know your master, his cock, and pleasure."

In that moment, Ochako Uraraka regained consciousness. Pure fear woke her and freed her thoughts from Shinso's influence. But her body was still under Shinso's control. She was only able to turn her head slightly to meet his gaze.

"Shinso...please!" she begged. Something is wrong with us! We aren't like this. We can go back! We have to go back."

He was taken completely off guard. "Even after breaking your mind, you still found a way to fight back to reason." And that made Shinso think. For the last time in his life, Shinso considered the consequences of his actions. He reflected on the events from the night before and acknowledged that part of him wanted to return to the way that he was. He wanted to be a hero.

A tear rolled down Shinso's cheek. His voice was hoarse. "Ochako...I'm so sorry"

Shinso activated his quirk. Uraraka braced her mind, readying herself for the fog. But she felt nothing. She looked up at Shinso. His eyes where glazed over and empty.

Shinso found a way to use his quirk on himself. A moment later, Shinso came to.

Uraraka began shaking in fear. "Shinso...what...what did you just do?!"

The night before, Shinso smiled a seemingly innocent smile at Uraraka when he agreed to help her. Shinso put on that same smile, and in a calm tone, whispered into Uraraka's ear "The old me is gone for good now."

Tears welled up in Ochako's eyes. Her heart began to race. Panic overtook her. She screamed but no sound came out. Shinso started to plow into her with that smile on his face. He was relieved; all the guilt was gone.

Ochako began to mutter to herself again. Shinso's control slowly started to take hold again. The fog was back.
"Tenya...everyone...I don't wanna...wanna...huh?

Mommy...Daddy...I have...they...wait...hang on...

Izuku...No that wasn't his...name? Mido? De...de...de...de...de..de...de...

No...no no no...me...I'm...I know this...I don’t wanna.... who am I?”

“Your master's good little girl" a voice said

Oh...that's right.

"I am master's good little girl. I am master's good little girl. I am master's good little girl. I am master's good little girl. I am master's good little girl. I am masters good little girl." I ahm mahsturrsss g-good little...girl. mmmmm m-mmmmahsturrsssz g-gu...gudd...gud lil...gir. msstrrr gu- girl. Im good mastur girl. good good good good good. master. Master cock feel good. good master good. master good girl master cock. good so good. love master masters cock masters cock good little girl."

They came. Their old lives were over for good.

hypnoahegao
03/13/18 02:43AM
All 4 chapters are now completed. If you want to skip the story, just read chapter 4. It is the longest chapter, and it has all the sex and what have you.

Please leave feedback! This is my first time writing anything since high school and while this is a trashy, erotic story, I do want to actually start writing stuff that isn't smut at some point. Any feedback is very appreciated.
Obscenario
03/27/18 03:42AM
Finally got around to this, and I enjoyed it.

[spoiler=Personal nonsense] The first two chapters do wonders towards mollifying my personal issues with characterization in porn works. It looks like you made a real effort to stay true to and respect the original source, and that effort is really all I ask for. Ochako and Shinsou act like themselves for the most part, and when they don't there is an explanation for why they are out of character. Good stuff.

Shinsou's training and presumed tutoring by Aizawa is a good in-setting justification for why his quirk works a little differently in story, though I suspect it might show the fic's age when he shows up again.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Actual criticism]
The big thing I noticed was the intermission. It's a jarring switch out of the story solely for the purpose of exposition and explaining later character behavior. While the explanation itself is good, the way in which it was delivered was rather flawed in my opinion. It makes the thugs' purpose as plot devices a bit too obvious, as it isn't told as part of the story itself. Perhaps an alternate way of handling the same information would be a news report, where Shinsou or Ochako watch the news and see a story detailing the known information of the criminals, whom they recognize as the thugs that attacked them. If Ochako, she might reflect on why she was so out of sorts that night and realize it was them when the news anchor lists the quirks of the suspects. Shinsou did begin to realize he'd been affected once it was too late, which was a nice acknowledgement in-story.

Other than that, there aren't any glaring flaws in the plot or developments. Things move rather quickly as far as pacing is concerned and Shinsou's crush on Ochako is nigh instant, but that's to be expected in a work like this and isn't really an issue here. It might be troublesome in a longer non-erotic work, however, so keep the pacing in mind when you move away from smut. Similar story with Shinsou's corruption, which happens very quickly so we could just get to the mind breaking sex already. Funnily enough it almost seems like Shinsou fell faster than Ochako broke, but naturally that's because her breaking was one of the main selling points and Shinsou's corruption was more of a necessary step to get to it. Again not a big problem due to the nature of this genre, but it potentially could be in another. Just depends on the story you're telling.

Minor grammar and typing mistakes:
-A few lines of dialogue in chapter 4 have opening quotation marks that are never closed, and 'Do you want to be touched by Izuku Midoriya?' lacked quotes entirely.
-The story is primarily told in 3rd person limited perspective, alternating between Ochako and Shinsou between chapters, but there are a few moments where the perspective shifts to another character for a little bit. Mostly in Chapter 4, which is mostly told from Shinsou's PoV but starts off and occasionally switches to Ochako's thoughts even when Shinsou isn't explicitly reading her dreams. Between chapters is a perfect time to switch perspectives and viewpoint characters, but in the middle of a chapter typically isn't the best time unless the story is built to accommodate rapid shifts. You're fine as long as you're consistent.
-Speaking of consistency, pay attention to the tenses. Most people favor past tense in written works like this, but present tense can work as long you stick to whichever you choose. It's one of those things that's hard to do and trips a lot of people up but makes for a better reading experience. Naturally, using past tense for descriptions and present tense for dialogue is perfectly acceptable.
- "Next day:" is a poor transition that can be replaced with a quick reference to going to sleep/waking up or being omitted entirely. It's another moment that's jarring in its departure from a character's perspective to give the reader some information that could be more smoothly relayed in-story.
-(Notably, the very last line is also a "narrated" moment outside of the characters' perspectives, but it works precisely because it's the ending and it drives home that the characters and story are over. The sudden shift outside of the story's normal perspective is actually a very good effect when used as the ending for a story about the characters' normal perspective being broken. My opinion, of course, but I like the feeling it gives, similar to a book being closed or the curtain falling after a play. It's okay to jerk the reader out of the work because it's over now.)
[/spoiler]
hypnoahegao
03/28/18 07:12PM
Obscenario said:
Finally got around to this, and I enjoyed it.

[spoiler=Personal nonsense] The first two chapters do wonders towards mollifying my personal issues with characterization in porn works. It looks like you made a real effort to stay true to and respect the original source, and that effort is really all I ask for. Ochako and Shinsou act like themselves for the most part, and when they don't there is an explanation for why they are out of character. Good stuff.

Shinsou's training and presumed tutoring by Aizawa is a good in-setting justification for why his quirk works a little differently in story, though I suspect it might show the fic's age when he shows up again.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Actual criticism]
The big thing I noticed was the intermission. It's a jarring switch out of the story solely for the purpose of exposition and explaining later character behavior. While the explanation itself is good, the way in which it was delivered was rather flawed in my opinion. It makes the thugs' purpose as plot devices a bit too obvious, as it isn't told as part of the story itself. Perhaps an alternate way of handling the same information would be a news report, where Shinsou or Ochako watch the news and see a story detailing the known information of the criminals, whom they recognize as the thugs that attacked them. If Ochako, she might reflect on why she was so out of sorts that night and realize it was them when the news anchor lists the quirks of the suspects. Shinsou did begin to realize he'd been affected once it was too late, which was a nice acknowledgement in-story.

Other than that, there aren't any glaring flaws in the plot or developments. Things move rather quickly as far as pacing is concerned and Shinsou's crush on Ochako is nigh instant, but that's to be expected in a work like this and isn't really an issue here. It might be troublesome in a longer non-erotic work, however, so keep the pacing in mind when you move away from smut. Similar story with Shinsou's corruption, which happens very quickly so we could just get to the mind breaking sex already. Funnily enough it almost seems like Shinsou fell faster than Ochako broke, but naturally that's because her breaking was one of the main selling points and Shinsou's corruption was more of a necessary step to get to it. Again not a big problem due to the nature of this genre, but it potentially could be in another. Just depends on the story you're telling.

Minor grammar and typing mistakes:
-A few lines of dialogue in chapter 4 have opening quotation marks that are never closed, and 'Do you want to be touched by Izuku Midoriya?' lacked quotes entirely.
-The story is primarily told in 3rd person limited perspective, alternating between Ochako and Shinsou between chapters, but there are a few moments where the perspective shifts to another character for a little bit. Mostly in Chapter 4, which is mostly told from Shinsou's PoV but starts off and occasionally switches to Ochako's thoughts even when Shinsou isn't explicitly reading her dreams. Between chapters is a perfect time to switch perspectives and viewpoint characters, but in the middle of a chapter typically isn't the best time unless the story is built to accommodate rapid shifts. You're fine as long as you're consistent.
-Speaking of consistency, pay attention to the tenses. Most people favor past tense in written works like this, but present tense can work as long you stick to whichever you choose. It's one of those things that's hard to do and trips a lot of people up but makes for a better reading experience. Naturally, using past tense for descriptions and present tense for dialogue is perfectly acceptable.
- "Next day:" is a poor transition that can be replaced with a quick reference to going to sleep/waking up or being omitted entirely. It's another moment that's jarring in its departure from a character's perspective to give the reader some information that could be more smoothly relayed in-story.
-(Notably, the very last line is also a "narrated" moment outside of the characters' perspectives, but it works precisely because it's the ending and it drives home that the characters and story are over. The sudden shift outside of the story's normal perspective is actually a very good effect when used as the ending for a story about the characters' normal perspective being broken. My opinion, of course, but I like the feeling it gives, similar to a book being closed or the curtain falling after a play. It's okay to jerk the reader out of the work because it's over now.)
[/spoiler]


You have made me so unbelievably happy by providing an in depth critique of my work. I have been sitting on this story with no feedback at all since it was posted. I even checked this post everyday to see if anyone replied. I stopped doing that last week. I checked today on a whim, and when I couldn't find this thread on the second and third page of the forums, I thought the post had been deleted.

[spoiler=Thoughts]

* When I was writing this, I remembered the comments made on the image page about how out of character Shinso was. And I like Shinso a lot, and I definetly didn't want to betray his and Uraraka's character. I am happy I executed that well :)

* When I wrote the intermission, I suppse I thought it would be ok to remove the reader from the experience and info dump exposition about the quirks of the 2 thugs (I imagined Present Mic speaking). Tbh, I am not happy with it either. I avoided writing it directly into the story because I dislike blatently obvious exposition within narratives. As an example, I tried reading the manga "X" the other day and had to put it down. Within the first few pages, background characters were praising the specific talents and attributes of the main cast, followed by a description of their current circumstances. I figured the intermission was a way to avoid that, like the way comic books do expo dumps. Monstress and Serenity Rose gave me the idea, although I may have just used it as a crutch.

* Proper tense use has always been something I have struggled with as a writer (even if all I write are graduate papers). But as an inexperienced writer, I never would have realized my problems with perspective. I appreciate you pointing this out to me.

* Curious; did I refer to Aizawa in text? I don't think I did, but its awesome that you interpreted it that way! I never been on the recieving end of that before.

* I took a lot of inspirstion from Sanderson's writing style (those familiar with him should pick up on the Mistborn reference I hope).

* Thank you for pointing out grammer and syntax errors I overlooked. Thank you again for this awesome reply. Because of you I can actually improve my writing and that just means the world to me. I will post an update when I can with some changes suggssted here, and a few others.
Obscenario
03/29/18 12:02AM
hypnoahegao said:
You have made me so unbelievably happy by providing an in depth critique of my work. I have been sitting on this story with no feedback at all since it was posted. I even checked this post everyday to see if anyone replied. I stopped doing that last week. I checked today on a whim, and when I couldn't find this thread on the second and third page of the forums, I thought the post had been deleted.


Sorry, then. I’ve had it sitting open in a tab for weeks and finally managed to get to it during a recent vacation. Bit of procrastination and priority issues on my part.


* When I wrote the intermission, I suppse I thought it would be ok to remove the reader from the experience and info dump exposition about the quirks of the 2 thugs (I imagined Present Mic speaking). Tbh, I am not happy with it either. I avoided writing it directly into the story because I dislike blatently obvious exposition within narratives. As an example, I tried reading the manga "X" the other day and had to put it down. Within the first few pages, background characters were praising the specific talents and attributes of the main cast, followed by a description of their current circumstances. I figured the intermission was a way to avoid that, like the way comic books do expo dumps. Monstress and Serenity Rose gave me the idea, although I may have just used it as a crutch.


Makes sense, but short stories and comic books have fairly different styles. Comics and manga have the additional dimension of visuals to convey things, and the text is often considered supplementary to the images. They get away with things like exposition dumps because those are framed as necessary to give context and explanations to things that either can’t or shouldn’t be conveyed visually. It can be translated into a purely written form, but that still requires aframing device like comics typically have. If, for example, something like this was written as though it were Present Mic’s report to the police after his investigation into the two newest heroes-turned-villains, it would make sense for him to occasionally stop the story to explain something relevant. Present Mic would not be putting smut in a police report but hopefully you get the idea. Another option might be to present the story as a grown up Shinsou in the future reflecting on how he came to be the most feared villain in the world. Like a memoir or something, that would make Shinsou both a character in the story and the one telling it, so he can explain that while he didn’t know it at the time, he discovered the thugs’ quirks afterward and then pieced together what happened. (Remember how My Hero Academia first started with Midoriya explaining that this is the story of how he became the greatest hero?)

Or maybe we’re reading Mineta’s dream journal and there’s a sticky note with the quirks on it. I guess the idea is that it’s a good idea to establish that there is a narrator so that it isn’t a complete surprise when one suddenly appears 2-3 chapters in. Like everything else, you can do whatever you want, as long you do it consistently.


* Curious; did I refer to Aizawa in text? I don't think I did, but its awesome that you interpreted it that way! I never been on the recieving end of that before.


Ah, whoops, I might have confused some manga speculation in there. I’ve been reading the manga for a bit, and while Shinsou hasn’t had any dialogue after the sports festival yet, he has shown up in several background panels, and he’s either walking down the hall with or talking to Aizawa in most of them. It hasn’t been explicitly revealed yet but there seems to be a subtle implication that Aizawa has been giving Shinsou some private tutoring. Given Aizawa’s attitude towards the entrance exam and how unfair it was to quirks like theirs, plus the suggestion that it’s possible for General Studies to be transferred to the Hero course if they perform well, the current popular theory is that Aizawa might be pulling to get Shinsou enrolled.



* Thank you for pointing out grammer and syntax errors I overlooked. Thank you again for this awesome reply. Because of you I can actually improve my writing and that just means the world to me. I will post an update when I can with some changes suggssted here, and a few others.


I look forward to seeing the next draft.
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