Posted on 2017-02-24 17:57:48
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Hello everyone. This is my... second manip. First manip is kinda stuck in the outer-space and I'm waiting response from moderator.
Also, English is not my native language, so I will really appreciate some help in fixing mistakes.
I hope you'll like it.
До новых встреч!

Posted on 2017-02-24 18:21:53
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The only typo I noticed was Voodoo instead of woodoo otherwise very well written in my opinion. :3

Posted on 2017-02-24 18:50:49
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"femdom futanari"

Just for future, T323, it's "futadom".

Posted on 2017-02-24 18:59:16
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Well, sorry. I tried my best. Can you tell me which parts are the worst?

wh

Thank you.

Posted on 2017-02-24 20:45:36
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I feel like I've already been rude enough, and I am an extremely harsh critic. I'll try, though.

For a start, though this is more stylistic than grammar, bracketing actions with asterisks looks unprofessional and creates a negative impression, compared to using more subtle clues, like italicised text. On a related note, naming the offscreen character in a POV piece can be distracting.

On a more grammatical side, there's a definite overuse of ellipses (...) here. Generally speaking they should be used sparingly, mostly only to indicate an incomplete thought or something that continues past what is shown. Next, though this can arguably be grammar or style (depending on how you look at it), your wording is a bit stiff. In formal writing, it's good to use contractions sparingly, but in casual settings, most people compress. That's why contractions exist in the first place - they're essentially verbal and mental shortcuts. Other than that, it's more quantity than severity, though typing "waytress" for waitress was particularly egregious. I can't tell if "woodoo" in place of "voodoo" was intentional or not. There's some other cases of incorrect word choice, like "you're" (you are) in place of "your" (belonging to you), and improper conjugation/verbage ("is" where it should be "are", "I come" where it should say either "I came" or "I've come", etc...) as well. Like I said, it's just the general proliferation of small errors rather than any really major ones on their own.

Posted on 2017-02-24 21:05:56
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Thanks a lot! And do not worry, I'm used to being criticized. I will remember your words.

Posted on 2017-02-25 02:02:22
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There are sone small issues with grammar, yeah, but the story itself is great. Im looking forward to more if you stay this original.

Posted on 2017-02-25 23:22:26
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I think this is actually very well done. I wouldn't expect anything better from a *native* English speaker, let alone someone who has English as a 2nd language.

Posted on 2017-11-14 13:16:21
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"I raped you, aren't I?"