DannyG said:
This is much better. Still room for improvement, but it's good. Not distractingly blunt. Keep working on your literary technique (and don't be too worried about criticism from me - I'm a writer, and harsh with everybody).

hwd171 said:
Any specific improvements I could have made?

DannyG said:
The things that stick out to me most are just repetitive phrasing in places. For instance, "guided into trance" and then in the next line "put her into trance". I'll grant that a lot of people probably wouldn't even notice it, but even shuffling just two or three terms for the same thing can make a story seem to flow better. Or, for another example, starting a lot of sentences with, "She did this..." descriptions, or explicitly naming things the reader should already recognize. You can describe the same actions with more variety by changing the focus of the sentence, and reference previous statements to make the whole thing feel more cohesive.

For instance, instead of, "She now felt hornier than she had ever felt before. 5 minutes later, the domme told her to begin using her favourite toy. She slid her dildo in and it felt twice as good as it normally would. She kept playing with herself and listening to the domme's words for those 5 bliss-filled minutes." I might have written, "It left her feeling the most arousal she had ever experienced. Finally, after five minutes, that beautiful voice urged her to use the toy she had prepared. She slid it in eagerly, happy to obey, and the pleasure was twice that which her waking mind knew. For five long and bliss-filled minutes, she continued to play with herself, her mind opened wide and accepting every word the domme's sweet, seductive voice spoke to her."

Ironically, it's hard to explain the "how" of the stylistic differences, but I can explain the why. Ideally, you want one sentence to flow into the next, and minimize the number of clear breaks, so that it draws the reader along, encouraging them to keep reading it as one continuous thought. I also choose my wording with a mind to conveying the narrator's perspective, trying to make the reader imagine it in the same way that they would be experiencing it. I don't claim to be a master at it, but I hope that this is helpful to you, all the same.

kihazukashii.muzume said:
"Swat was rolling down her body."
One typo there.

greasyi said:
Grammar problems ("After the video was done and woke her new slave from her trance." when previous sentence's subject was the sub... wut) but overall much better than before.

I finally realized why the specific times were bugging me: This is all about her induction, and how aroused she's getting and so forth, and from that perspective it would be weird to have such a clear perception of the passage of time. It's not entirely from her perspective, but it still somehow seemed like it was implying she could somehow reliably estimate that 8 minutes had passed between two moments when she's supposed to be entranced.