Niyla said:
Hi! Creative Writing minor here.

It's really good! It's definitely high quality. Some minor tweaks I'd recommend, each of them nitpicky, bearing in mind that you, the creator, are the arbiter for any creative work:

The style is lilting and swaying, alternating stressed and unstressed syllables. That's what carries the reader along, and it's more important than the syllable count. Once you get to "My pitch, rhyme, and will", "pitch" and "rhyme" are stressed right after each other and I got tripped up while reading it. I'd recommend "My pitch, my rhyme, and will" or "My pitch, my rhyme, my will". The formatting gets a bit screwed up when you add a word to that line even as the rhythm gets brought together again, so consider making the line break after "rhyme" if you do so.

In terms of syntax, I'd remember that empty space lets someone drift off. You have some options; I'd personally either

1) get rid of end-of-line punctuation except the ones connecting phrases or ending stanzas (period after "astray", comma after "hollow")
OR
2) I'd use a more consistent end-of-line punctuation (except when connecting a phrase or ending a stanza, as above- my personal preference would be something benign like a comma or semicolon) and in that case get rid of the capitalization of the 3rd and 5th line of each stanza (since the punctuation and capitalization are both rhythmic indicators and both bring us back to earth in a way that hypnosis doesn't, so having both seems counterproductive unless you're going for a fractionation-style induction, which doesn't seem to be the case).

In any case, I'd get rid of the comma in the last stanza after "Gone" since we DON'T want hesitation there, and that's what the comma makes us do: pause. (Once more, things I would do, and I am not You, and You have the final say! *bows before all-powerful creator of a wonderful poem*)

The diction is amazing! Words and phrases like "heart and soul", "azure", and "blank and hollow" are enrapturing from the very start and hold my attention throughout; I can never quite get away from the sheer beauty of the words, and I don't want to stop listening even if I know what's happening. The slant rhyme in the first stanza makes me feel like I'm resisting and then falling into it as the following stanzas use perfect rhyme, which falls in line with the body of the text. Seriously, amazing job!

Cradily said:
Thank you! I didn't even notice some of the things you mentioned (like the stressed/unstressed syllables and slant rhyme), and I changed it up a bit to match the stressing of the syllables. It somewhat bothers me in the back of my head that the syllables are not the same now though =P

Regarding the punctuation, I cannot tell/suck at it so what ended up happening was deleted almost all of it, but I hope that is better?

I also can't delete the other picture to transfer votes over, so someone with the powa will have to help with that

Kalyrian said:
I never thought I would see the day someone took making manips this seriously. :P