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  • Id: 39106
  • Posted: 2016-08-09 09:50:47
    by godofwar99
  • Size: 1480x1110
  • Rating: Explicit
  • Score: 38 (vote up)
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6 comments (0 hidden)

marthypno
>> #118887
Posted on 2016-08-09 10:03:54
Score: 0 (vote Up)
Just my thoughts, if you could implement them in your next post it would be great. Love the Art, but the Manip part needs to be retouched. Clarify who is speaking. Maybe make the dialogue bulleted and keep actions in asterisks.
SomeCallMeSalty
>> #118927
Posted on 2016-08-09 19:20:23
Score: 0 (vote Up)
It's good, but yeah, I'd definitely recommend clarification, as well as maybe some quotation marks around dialogue instead of parentheses around actions. The actions are also a bit off, they look like a chat RP's commands. Instead of the "casts spell" line, I'd recommend something like "He casts a spell, and-" etc. Also, "show signs" is kinda vague, like, signs of? Or signs as in the spirals? If it's the spirals, don't use "signs", as the word doesn't make sense in that context. As for the transformation, go into detail, it's no fun if it's just someone transforming without any other descriptive text. You should try writing as if there's no art to go along with it in manips like these.
mixt
>> #118932
Posted on 2016-08-09 20:07:59
Score: 0 (vote Up)
Trying to signal who's talking can be tricky. Especially if you are going for a specific character that isn't visible. Although I'm not sure what you could have done better aside from giving Meg a line to spell it out (like "What am I doing here, Hades?"), but that costs valuable space. For what it's worth I did recognize Hades from the first "babe"

My only gripe is that the control and transformation get reduced to quick little notes that might as well say "look at the pic" I would rather have had descriptions there and leave the reader to go "Oh, that pic is showing that part."
Bloodly
>> #118949
Posted on 2016-08-09 21:18:52
Score: 0 (vote Up)
Meh. You took away all her sass. You took away 'Meg'.
mariosonicfan
>> #118998
Posted on 2016-08-10 01:05:34
Score: 0 (vote Up)
Nice little story, not exactly what I had in mind when I commissioned it but still nice little idea for it!
Ogodei-Khan
>> #119025
Posted on 2016-08-10 02:33:30
Score: 0 (vote Up)
Never put action in parenthesis like that. You either have to make it a prose narrative, or make it a script, or omit it.
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