As you probably know, I have been posting mini fanfics and roleplays in the comments of pictures. I would like any constructive criticism you have for my work

The main issue is, honestly, it sounds (and reads) like a fourteen-year-old's first hypno-fantasy. I don't mean to be rude but it's become sort of a running joke here to read your little stories because they are a bit random and simple. Some of them have even made me uncomfortable, and I'm on a site where femsub is the norm @_@

My suggestion would be to search the manip tag and read what others are writing and see how they differ, what people are writing about, and what people tend to like. Then, once you've done that, take some time to practice writing little 100-word blurbs and ask someone to proofread or give feedback. If you want to learn more about longer hypnosis stories, you can always check out the <<hypnohub.net/forum/show/8027|Story Thread>> or the <<hypnohub.net/forum/show/8785|Chat Logs Thread,>> as those make for very good and often inspiring reads. You can also check out the <<www.mcstories.com/|MC Stories>> archive, which as tons of hypnosis stories.

Once you've taken time to practice and gotten a handle on this sort of thing, you can give GIMP a shot (it's a free version of Photoshop) and start putting in your stories (after proofreading, of course). I think it's in better taste to find a new image off of something like pixiv or gelbooru and add text to that, since it'll force you to be a bit more creative, plus it gives some flexibility.

I'm sure there are plenty of people here that are good at picking apart text and listing the specifics of what needs to be changed (I'm not too great with all of that), so that's why I'm suggesting you do a bit of personal reading. On the plus side, it's a good kind of "research", since you get to read more hypno porn.

Hope that helps!

PomPom covered the basics, so I'll go deeper by looking at some of your posts, starting with the most recent.



The first few sentences alone are enough to show me that the level of writing is not good. First of all, it doesn't sound like you're telling a narrative. The story reads more like a description of events, which is a very dull and non-engrossing method. "Minerva was about to do X when she heard a noise. The noise was ___. Minerva then did Y." The last 2 sentences, while not very original, are at least much more interesting to read, as they are descriptive and draw the reader into the story rather than just talking at them. Remember the old rule of creative writing: "show, don't tell". We want to feel like we're there. And don't be afraid to NOT outright state things. We can interpret context clues. If you assume your readers need everything spelled out for them, your writing will suffer.



I'm going to ignore the spelling errors as this critique is more about your style of writing and not basic grammar. This story suffers from the same problem that the bulk of your stories do, and that's that it's totally uninspired and generic. "Look at this and be hypnotized. 'I'm hypnotized.' Now we fuck." I know it may seem like an oversimplification, but it's really not. The problem is, we've read this story millions of times in millions of places. It's become so commonplace that it's now considered a joke. Most parodies of hypnosis manips use this same structure.

Now, there's nothing wrong with writing a hypnosis story where sex is the end goal, but you HAVE to put more into getting there. It's boring to just read "Look at this. You're getting sleepy. Fuck me." Remember, we want to BE there.







These are just more examples of the exact same problem. More generic stories that add nothing to the pics they were posted on. The first one at least tries to be more creative, but then it falls into the same trap of just being another "Look at this. Now be hypnotized." affair.





Here's another big problem I have with your work. EVERY pic is maledom, no matter what the imagery implies. Now, I understand if maledom is your thing and there's nothing wrong with subverting the readers' expectations, but it's important to know what audience you're reaching. Neither of the images these quotes came from showed even a hint of maledom. In fact, they were pretty clear in their portrayal of women in the dominant role. It makes sense, then, that the people who enjoyed those pics enjoyed the femdom aspect of them. Why then, would they want to read a story that twists it into maledom? Especially when maledom/femsub is so prevalent in this fetish, taking a pic that actually breaks that mold and forcing it back into it will be seen by many as annoying and sometimes childish. Not to mention, it's not an interesting twist if it's ALL you write.



Now, this one, I actually have to give some props to. Aside from the one misspelling, this is actually a rather decent story comment. It doesn't do anything fancy, but it's cute and entertaining to read. As I read it, I can tell you had fun writing it, and that's really the key. Sometimes we get too caught up in writing something "hardcore" or "hawt" that we end up writing something that sounds immature and silly. Sometimes you just need to have fun with it. Let inspiration take you and don't try to force something out that sounds awkward.

PomPom and Mindwipe have given most of the advice I would give and I'm not sure I'm the best person for writing advice. But to reiterate the whole "Look at this. You are hypnotised. Now sex" thing is the major problem for me. Inductions are important. And the end goal of the story doesn't always have to be boy screws girl. The theme months help with this. Having a theme to work with (double so if it's not something you've thought about much before) can help break you out of being too repetitive

I would say download GIMP and try putting your text into the image and then uploading them. You're much more likely to get feedback that way. And the people here are good at constructive criticism. Listen to them and I'm sure you'll be improving in no time. The chat can be good for getting people to proof read your stuff as well

You're writing at your maximum capacity for entertainment value as it is. Keep doing exactly what you're doing.

TakyonH is the troll master general here on Hypnohub. You should observe him to learn the dark arts of forum posting.

Personally, posting mini-stories in the comments under someone else's art or silent manip feels like a lazy way of trying to steal the original artist's thunder. At least if you manip a picture, you are making your own submission which can be commented on separately. Posting your stories in the comments would risk hijacking the comments to focus more on your story than the artist's work.

This.
Manipping is the way to go if you want to do something like this. We had quite a few Sleepymaid manips along those lines as well.

You might also want to take a look at your avatar haremseeker, it seems like the system goofed up and messed it up.


Your trolling is so adorable, let me hug you ^_^!

I only write these for pics that have little to know plot or text. I won't write stories for pics like comics because they have a plot to them (might write epilouges though). My work is supposed to be a companion to a piece not to overtake. As for the rest of you who have posted criticism, thanks.

It is not a companion piece. Here's the definition of a companion piece: a literary or musical work that has a close relationship to another work by the same author or composer.

Calling it a companion to the original work implies at the VERY LEAST a collaborative effort between yourself and the artist. What you are doing is stapling your own fan fiction to other people's hard work. If your writing is bad, it can spoil the image for other people; and if your writing is good it can overshadow someone else's hard work. Its a lose-lose for the artist.

I'm curious about why you are doing this... I'll be able to post more constructive criticism if I know that. At this point I'm not confident I can provide any more than anyone else.

I'm pretty late but I strongly agree with the points made in this thread, in particular the destruction of headcanon by slapping them under the image OP (at least put it in a spoiler tag so people can choose), and the apparent lack of effort, on which I will elaborate:

I kept joking that I thought you might be a bot, automatically generating text, because all of your... stories? (I feel uncomfortable calling anything the same length as a limerick a "story") ...they are so absent of detail or apparent inspiration from the source image that most of them could have been written by just reading the tags list and making a "best guess" about what's in the image without ever actually seeing it.

When we explain things to ourselves, we tend to take shortcuts. The characters' actions immediately before and after the snapshot of the image, their expressions, their tone of voice - as the author, you know all these things. But when you write something for other people to read, you can't take shortcuts. You have to explain everything of note in order to sell the story and put the reader's head where your head is. I'm sure if you go back and read your oldest stuff, from images you haven't looked at much since, you'll have a better idea of what it's like for someone to read your work for the first time with no context.

I'll repeat the advice I gave on manips: never write a first draft and post it on the same day. When you write it, it's fresh in your mind and your eyes will glaze over typos and not catch parts that are unclear to someone who doesn't already know how it goes. By coming back to it after sleeping, you get a better idea of what a new reader experiences and you can massively improve it before putting it out there.

I think it's admirable that you started this thread and put yourself in a position where we all get to take potshots at you, and I hope getting chewed out by so many people doesn't dissuade you from pursuing this interest entirely. I secretly wanted some rule to be enacted to stop you from posting your creepy comments; but now that you've here demonstrated a commitment to self-improvement, that opinion has changed. Best of luck.